I had a horrible visit at the psychiatric doctor this morning. I was there for my bipolar medication check-up. Things went completely wrong from the very beginning, I slipped into one of my impulsive episodes within a few minutes of being in his office. I was aware I was angry, It was becoming full case of rage, I could feel myself losing it. By the time I got home I was fully overwhelmed with how terrible I thought the appointment went.

I abruptly, and quite impulsively started with the computer. Deleting all my networking sites. My Facebook, Google Reader, Friend Feed, all of them. I can't explain or give any logical reason why I was erasing myself from the Internet and all my friends. I can barely remember doing it. But I do remember I felt I was outside my body watching myself destroy my internet life. One little tap at a time.

That is how quickly a bipolar disorder episode can manifest itself. Episodes like these are the ones I am NEVER prepared for. They seem to just come out of nowhere! I've been told it compares to being in a drunken blackout. It is over by the time you realize what you have done. Going from one thing to the next, throwing away whatever reminds you of something you hate. So pretty much everything in my path was not safe. Things were torn, shredded, dragged away or broken into small bits. One of my latest Architecture studio projects (which I'd been so proud of) I succeeded to destroy.

It started when my psychiatric doctor basically told me he didn't know what to do to help me feel better. I had been having severe psychotic mania with a little bit of depression the past two days. He handed me a DVD on the affects of Clozaril. That being the last step if the 500mgs of Depakote, and 900mgs of Seroquel didn't help. He wants to do it in a hospital setting, I however refused!

I am running out of options, and for him to tell me that was irritating and sad. So his last resort is Clozaril. I of course refused such a thing. There is always another way. There is always another medication. Bipolar Disorder is not the end of the world. Or is it?

To the people who don't have a clue what Bipolar is, I am just some crazy kid acting like a spoiled brat. If only! I could explain being a snot nosed spoiled rotten brat, but to explain something so dark and twisted going on in my head is not so easy. No matter how many times I say stop to myself I keep going, have a difficult time letting it go.

I became so enraged, I didn't know what else to do, I'm so freaking exhausted from all this . The hardest part of having Bipolar is not knowing when the next episode will strike.

I'm going to start taking along with my Bipolar medications, an anti-psychotic medication to help with my anger and irrational thoughts. A part of me doesn't even care about going back to school. I know that's the illness talking though.

Hopefully by this weekend I'll start to feel like myself again. The medications tend to leave me a bit out of it, but I do have an important test that I need to take online tomorrow. Thankfully I don't have a studio tomorrow - it was cancelled.

Sorry if this was depressing - just needed to spill.