My parents. My beloved Aunt Flo and a couple of years later, her
husband, my uncle, Ritchie. Ice skater Mike and optimistic Michael Mc., Movie Mike,
Dr. K., Bob B., Robert Schink , BJ, 'New Jersey Robert, Ladye, Emily, Liz, Dot, my confidantes. Perry Lee., my longest friend.
Ronnie, fellow waiter, and cruiser, in ‘the good old days’. And the list
goes on possibly containing ‘missing’ people whom I haven’t heard from
in years, or just disappeared, like Pepe and Mark.

I
suppose as
a teenager, and a young man in my twenties, I might have thought, now
and then, that I would be dead by the time I was thirty but I never
really gave any thought to dying. One of my first thoughts regarding my
mortality was when Flo died and I started thinking, a little, about my
possible future death. Though I had friends dying of AIDS I didn’t see
it as affecting me as I wasn’t at a high risk. It was when I had
congestive heart failure. As soon as I got of the hospital I went on a
diet watching my intake of sodium, calories, fats, protein,
carbohydrates, cholesterol and fiber losing 60 pounds. I cut back, but
didn’t quit, smoking from three packs a day to 15 cigarettes a day. I
realized that if I didn’t start watching myself I could die. I did stop
smoking completely in 2008 after I had an aorta valve replacement.

After
Flo died I vowed, and told everyone, that I would never go to a funeral
again, (and I haven’t), but now I started to plan my own elaborate one
with a big party included. I made out a crazy Will working on it for
days!

I started to think about what happens when you die.
Reincarnation was the first thought that came into my mind as it sort of
intrigued me. What would I come back as? Did reincarnation really mean
you come back to finish things you didn’t in your previous lives? What
didn’t I finish? Would I come back as a male or female? Or maybe an
animal? What did the latter have to do with unfinished business? I don’t
ever remember thinking, or feeling, that I had been another person in a
previous life and I certainly didn’t see myself living in another
century, or recalling any memories of other times, when reading the
numerous books over the years.

Then there is the possibility of
Heaven and Hell. I pictured Heaven as a place where I could eat, drink
and smoke everything and anything without any consequences. All, and
only, my great sex partners, (and those I missed) would be there at my
beck and call. I’d see places I have always wanted to see, but didn’t. I
would be able to watch a full production of "A Chorus Line" twenty-four
hours a day, seven days a week. I would have everything I ever wanted
and didn’t have, which granted isn't much.

There would be all the salami, peanuts, carrot
cake and scotch that I could ever want. (Do you eat and drink in
Heaven?) And I would have all the money possible. (Do you need money in
Heaven? Or do you just get what you want when you want it?)

The best part of Heaven will be that I would be loved for whom, and what, I was without any expectations.

Should
there be a Heaven then, I guess, I have to entertain the possibility of
Hell. I don’t t want to go there! I wouldn’t have any of the things I
expected in Heaven. In addition I would be getting only tofu to eat . I would be surrounded by people I have hurt,
betrayed, dismissed, rejected and let down. NO! If I have to accept
there is a Heaven then I have to accept there is a Hell.

What’s
the bottom line for me? I believe you die and that’s it. You lose your
flesh, and bones, to the air, earth and water around you. I’ve
stipulated that I want to be cremated and my remains scattered over the
sand and water on 6th Street and Ocean Drive in Miami Beach.

Oh,
yes, I still want that big party though how it would be paid for I don’t
have a clue. Guess my ‘heirs’ will have to figure that out along with
all the debts and accumulative ‘things’ in my estate.