It was an unproductive, cold, damp day today. I was suffering some extreme anxiety both when I went to bed last night and when I got up this morning. It seemed to have gotten slightly better in the afternoon (perhaps because I spent most of it napping). But then around 5:00 it became unbearable. I literally could not take in enough oxygen. It was scary. I had already used a maximum amount of prescription inhaler with no relief.

It wasn't just asthma. It was that with my blood pressure and anxiety...all medical conditions for which I'm supposed to be taking prescriptions. I had already cut down my dose to try to save while I didn't have insurance and then I'd been out of a few for about a week. Tonight it was obvious I couldn't go without my blood pressure medicine any longer and so I gave in and went to pay full price. It wasn't that bad really. The last script I had got was a partial script of 14 pills and it cost me $65.00!!

I'll be 36 next month but I'm physically so much older than that. I know it's not too late to take care of myself and possibly even reverse some of my health conditions, but damn that's hard to do. It requires that I sincerely care about myself and value my body. This would be too close to self confidence and I've never had much of that. I do walk almost daily (at least when the weather is nice). I do drink a lot of water. I go through spurts of healthy eating, but that's about the extent of me taking care of myself.

I'm hoping, praying and trying to imagine that as somehow find a way to heal this emotionally-scarred girl inside, I will also start to take better care of her.

As you read, please don't misunderstand what I write as a call for attention or a "poor me" scenario. And don't think that I'm always a downer either. Just know that most of the time when I write, it's to express and process how I'm feeling about something that I really can't talk to anyone else about. Everyone likes talking about good news!