I've been selling some of my old things on ebay. I figured it was a good way to "save" for Christmas. So this morning I needed to go to the Post Office.

I used to dread errands and in a way I suppose I always will. But for now, as much as I sometimes hate to leave the house, it is healthy for me to "have to" go somewhere.

One of the reasons I dislike errands is because I feel I'm socially incompetent, as I have been most of my life. I find that most of my interactions with the public are negative. Rude people ruin my day. I take it personally even though I know I shouldn't. (You see I "know" a lot LOL...I'm just not good at implementing my knowledge.

So my outing began better than expected as the clerk at the Post Office was very friendly. He's my favorite actually and how ridiculous is it that I have a favorite Post Office clerk! LOL

Anyway, I decided from there I would venture over to the $$ Store. It was an uneventful trip and there were some things I had on my "List" that I couldn't get there. So I got real brave :0) and ventured all the way to Walmart where I knew would be crowded as always...therefore bring out my social anxiety.

I was shopping along, taking my time, and even picked up a few Christmas presents (they'll have to be bought eventually) and I hear someone say my name. I turned around to the friendliest face and smile. I knew I recognized the smile and maybe the face...then I remembered and said "Lehine's Office right?"

And from there we reminisced. Not just the obligatory "how are yous" and "what have you been up to" but like she really cared. I was really touched, especially when she said that they think of me and mention me around the office still once in a while. I really didn't think I made that much of an impression on them. I was really touched and it brought back many memories of working at the office, and how much we all used to laugh and just have fun together while working.

As I wrote in a previous blog, my of my visits from the past are more like hauntings. So it was really nice to have this warm fuzzy.

I still drove home with a lump in my throat crying though. It's still happiness that "I had"...past tense.

I know there is no time line for healing a broken heart and I'm lucky to have a wonderful, patient boyfriend. But I would love to be able to see into the future and just KNOW that someday it will be okay and all this pain will be worth it. I want to know that I will find happiness. I want to know that I will find a job that doesn't make me gag and vomit from anxiety in the morning. I want to stop looking at the "if's" and "Could'ves". I want to trust myself with decisions without worrying I'm going to "goof up again". It's hard to build and follow a dream towards happiness when you don't trust your gut. And even harder because I KNOW that my gut tells me different things depending on the day.

I feel better for now...
I can't write songs or poems, so I blog to get it all out.