To Blog!

I don't know what I should think of my lack of blog urge. Blogging has played such an important part of my life for almost three years. I hate to think that it could have served its purpose and that it will soon be just a memory.

Just a memory...

So many things that I had felt were concrete and permanent parts of my life have changed. Luckily I've had control over most of them. But just because I chose life changes (such as my impending divorce) doesn't mean that they were ever changes I would have planned (in the great scheme of things).

Wow, does that make sense to anyone but me?

I still get sad...

I mourn the dream of a united family (mom, dad, biological kids)

I get angry sometimes...

I'm genuinely happy ...

I cry for what appears to be no reason. The tears sting the inside of my heart as I try desperately to hold them in. It's as if I feel they have power over me.

The problem is that when I turn off tears, they are replaced two- fold with anger. Mis-placed anger...projected anger. I lash out because I hurt.

So I should cry. It just seems so fruitless when I'm not sure why I'm crying.

Perhaps I've just had an epiphany of sorts. Perhaps the reason I haven't been blogging is the exact opposite of me not "needing" the blog any more. It could just be that I haven't been blogging because there are too many scattered thoughts in my mind. And as fast as I type, I still can't get it all out fast enough.

These adult growing pains are tough. Some days I feel I have it all under control and other days, it's so obvious I don't.

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