Yesterday morning the day started so well, but by afternoon I had transformed suddenly into a very bad mood. I was completely beating myself up and once again completely doubting my abilities and worth as a teacher. My one particular troubled class has been so good lately and I knew that eventually I would have a day like yesterday. However, I wasn't ready for it and deep down was hoping it wouldn't come. I was hoping that I'd made it over that hump and connected with most of the students. I was secretly wishing (because it would mean that I really had made progress in this area) that the ones I hadn't connected with would at least respect me enough to not cross the line.

But it was a bad day, chaotic. Several students got angry with each other while I was having them work independently (while I helped individuals) on a map of Central America. There was yelling and swearing. For these kids it's completely common vocabulary. They yell and swear because they're mad. Then other students yell at them because they're being disrespectful (not realizing that although their intentions may be good, they're being disrespectful too).

So I could write a book (or at least a short story) of my struggles with discipline and "letting" students disrespect me. I could talk about the reasons that this could be and all of the ways I've tried to improve. But that's not what this blog is about.

I came home from school (after doing my errands) and tried to do the right thing. Instead of locking myself in my room (like I usually do when I'm sad and depressed) I went out for a brisk walk with the dogs. When I came in, I did 35 minutes on the wii fit. I worked up a sweat and had a good workout. I managed to pull together a dinner for us all. I put in one load of laundry (there is a huge pile in my hallway which is very rare for me). Then I crashed.

I crashed hard. I had fought and I was done. I was depleted of all my energy and strength. I was so sad and feeling so worthless and helpless. Old fears and thoughts of inadequacy and losing my ability to support my family surfaced. I honestly cried most of the night. I considered taking a "mental health day". I considered different options I had ...and options I didn't have. I thought about new things I could try and things I've already tried.

I barely got any sleep and knew I was going to have to get through this day on auto-pilot. I felt still sad but slightly numb most of the day. More than anything, I've felt foggy all day. I'm beginning to really look forward to seeing my new therapist next week.

I made a decision on what I was going to do with this particular class. It was me being me- and many times I feel like I should fight against being me while in school.

On the Smart board I typed out ahead of time for them to get their books off the shelf and the review assignments they would be doing for credit today. Along with their assignment, I posted that there would be no talking or bathroom passes. There was a personal note to me which I read to them in the same numb, monotone voice I've had all day (which is so uncharachteristic of the crazy Sra. they see every day). I told them that I was not an entertainer, babysitter etc....but a teacher. I told them my job was to teach them and they were making it impossible for me to do my job. Therefore they would be reading and teaching themselves the material (the old fashioned way) and they could come see me with individual questions. I talked to them after about the fact that most of them at this point had sealed their fate as to whether there was still a possibility to pass the class. If they choose not to do the work- fine-their choice. But talking and distracting others isn't theirchoice. So come prepared with something to do or take yourself a nap, but do so quietly or they could go to the ALC (Alternative Learning Center).

They were all quieter than I'd ever heard and their eyes were as big as deer. I continued to pull up a definition of respect and told them I wasn't looking to be held at esteem, I just wanted the common courtesy and consideration.

I did what I thought I wouldn't do.

I shared the poem I wrote, Teachers Are People Too (Part 1), with the class I mostly wrote it for. I choked up and started to cry while reading it. Nobody said a word. After a couple minutes, one student came up and apogized and asked if it was ok to give me a hug. The rest of the students did their work and came to ask questions individually. They chatted a little bit at the end but I noticed a couple of students again telling the others to stop talking and also to go right back to their seats after handing their papers in.

I am still very numb and don't quite know how I feel, but I do know that today was a monumental day. I do know that I revealed more of me and made some kind of impact on these students.

I'm exhausted and it's very late so I apologize for the jumbled way this reads.