I'm feeling kinda anxious tonight partially because it's Sunday and tomorrow is a work day and partly because tomorrow is my appointment with the new thereapist. It's going to be a crazy busy day. I have to go pick up some medication after school before going to my first therapist appointment by 4 p.m.

I'm nervous about what I'll say. I'm afraid that I have way too much of a history and way too much going on to even know how to start a new session with a therapist who doesn't know me at all. I'm not sure if the appointment is a half hour or an hour, but either way...where to start? What's the immediate problem? What does she need to know now and what can wait so that I can begin to make changes and see results as soon as possible. The person who recommended her to me told me that she's not warm and fuzzy. I said that perhaps this is what I need. I'm going to give her a try. I think I tend to feel sorry for myself too much anyway.

I hope I can find it on time and that I feel an initial connection that will give me enough hope to follow through with not only another appointment for me, but also one for Kevin. Going tomorrow is the first step, but the next step of follow through is just as important.

It hasn't been a great weekend. It was highly disappointing even though I didn't really have concrete plans and expectations for it. We always count on every other weekend as a "couple weekend" and although technically this was it, I'm feeling slightly jipped and way less than refreshed. A didn't make plans for Riss while he worked on Saturday. It is complicated and pitiful and I've voiced my opinion on the subject (which is why A is currently not being friendly with me). Heres the scoop: Kev goes to A's mom's. She won't take both of them because it's "too much work for her". Regardless of right or wrong, I wasn't going to make her stay at her father's alone till after 6 p.m. on a Sat. while her dad worked and her brother and grandmother were out having lunch and shopping! So Saturday was spent G, Riss and I. I'm not complaining. She's a great kid and a great companion, but it's just not the couple's weekend we'd hoped for. (and not fair)

G and I have been very disconnected in general this weekend. We don't seem to be clicking and communicating well. He seems more angry than usual today and I can't blame him. I know I'm grumpy. I've totally got PMS in addition to my normal state of bitchiness.

Today was day 12 since I got my wii fit and I've used it everyday! That alone is a great accomplishment I know. Dedication to a fitness goal is not always my strong suit. We've also walked outside 4 days of the 12 when we had nice weather. We're trying to eat healthier meals and less snacking. I've really been doing pretty good (at least in my mind). On the scale, I'm literally a yo yo. The wii makes you do a weight and body test every time you use it. It also asks you to set a goal. I set 5 lbs. in 2 weeks (obviously a joke now that I look back). Over the past 12 days I'm been up and down more than 5 lbs. and it doesn't really seem to correspond much with my exercise or diet. I've really tried hard not to get discouraged when the wii scale went up, remembering that it was probably water weight and that I can't expect results over night. But I must admit I thought my persistence had paid off when it finally said I had lost 2.4 lbs. of my 5 lbs. goal. But then the next day I hop back on to do my workout and ...I've gained over 5 lbs. ...in a day! I'm already on a diuretic with my blood pressure meds so I wouldn't think I'd retain that much.

And I admit it, I'm a terrible person for being jealous but it just always seems so much easier for men. He's lost in 10 days over 4 lbs. And I have like 65 lbs. to lose to meet goal weight...and he only has like under 20 lbs. And his 4 pounds is like already noticeable and then he says..."Do you think I'll really be able to make goal?" And I'm all like "um yea!! I have like 50 more pounds more than you to lose and I'm gaining. Meanwhile you're losing steadily and have only a little to lose! Are you trying to make me feel bad?" I know he isn't but I can't help that it feels like I'm already failing and I don't want to quit again. I want to do it for the health benefits that would have to happen...and the weight loss that should happen to be just bonus.

My sister has been in Florida for a week. I miss her and I want her to come home.

My baby is going to be 9 in under 2 weeks. I'm not even involved in planning his lil party for him and his school friends like I always do. Of course that should be the least of my tears I suppose. He doesn't live with me. I hardly see him. Already I feel like I can't relate to him and can't compete with the love he feels for his dad. Hopefully we'll get some help with this in therapy.

I need to have a smooth week at school this week. Let me start small. I need to have a smooth day tomorrow. Us teachers (especially those without tenure) are left with so very little authority over students. They have the upper hand it seems at times. It's a constant balance of mediating, disciplining, babysitting and teaching.