So many life changes, stresses, losses...

I feel like I'm in the middle of learning a lot of valuable lessons. The middle is only a good place if you're in a good spot (like in the middle of an oreo). Otherwise nobody likes the middle (middle seat on a bench, middle child syndrome).



Here's a little fact to make you smile this morning. I'm sitting at the computer desk, with the window shades and curtain open...wearing my sunglasses! (not because my future's so bright, just because I want to enjoy the sun and not sit in the dark)

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The kids will both be here shortly. I haven't seen them since Easter evening when they both left mad at me (again). Kevin was telling his sister that she just just move into Dad's too.

I feel so paralyzed when they get mad at me. It's so much different than it was when I wasn't divorced. I feel like I'm the same mom I always was, but yet they hate me now. And their Dad is so much different than he was, and he's thier heroe now. I want to be the super heroe. Why don't they remember the times when I really was their heroe? (sigh)

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I know there must be some anger in there somewhere directed towards me. I know Kevin's seems to be directed towards me but he mostly blames it on G. I guess in retrospect I have to admit that I rushed things for them. As happy as G and I are together, the fact remains that he and I started dating 3 months after A and I separated....and he moved in 6 months after he and I separated. I say that I discussed it with them and they were fine with it, but really how fine can they be? And they're not able to make this decision of what is best for them. That's my job (their father and I). But the damage is done and now I must do damage control and follow through with therapy. I have to work on getting them insurance through the state soon for when my job and coverage end.

I have no idea what I'll do about my own 6 prescriptions a month. I'm hoping that if I continue exercising and eating healthier, eventually it will pay off and I'll lower my own bp and cholesterol...but what happens until that point? And then there's the fact that I'm bipolar and need those meds...

So finally here it is, a list of "I miss..."

1. When my kids were little.
2. When I worked in LG.
3. Owning my own home.
4. Knowing that I'm the first and last person my kids see and kiss each day.
5. When more of my friends used to blog more often, leave more comments...it was a friendlier, more-active community.
6. Being able to fit into clothes that aren't plus size, liking who I see in the mirror, having Kevin be able to fit his arms around his mom to give her a hug...
7. When my parents and grandparents were both home for holidays.
8. When my parents had a pool and I used to hang out with the kids every day during the Summer.
9. When I "knew" the direction my life was going in.
10.Feeling safe, protected and confident that everything is just as it's supposed to be.


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