I've been trying to deal with so much lately and my emotions have been a roller coaster. I swear I start tearing up 30 times a day and then other times, I'm smiling and pretty happy.

I've also been trying to deal with my feelings (or perhaps not deal with them) without blogging. Blog it out has been my motto for a long time. But sometimes when the emotions are so high, I need to wait until a time like this.

I'm numb. I know all of the things that have been making me sad, angry, doubtful, anxious and more. But I can't feel them. There's so many conflicting thoughts and feelings that they almost cancel eachother out I guess.

So I finally sit, alone in the house, and know that once I start typing...eventually everything that needs to come out and be heard...will surface.

I'm embarrassed too. I feel like a failure at motherhood and marriage too. Even my relationship with G has been pulled apart (though we're fighting it with every spare ounce of energy we have).

I suppose I also feel naive for thinking that this love would be perfect or effortless. How child-like falling in love makes us! (perhaps that's one of the best parts of it)

I feel like I haven't grown and that perhaps instead I've either regressed or not changed. At this point I'm not sure which would be worse. I know I still have trouble dealing with sadness and anger. I know that I have an awful lot of trouble playing all my life roles when I'm angry or sad. I snap at people, retreat and even push people away without trying.

Sometimes it takes all my energy just to go through the motions of the day. With a fake smile, trying to go undetected. Because I'm not really there after all. I'm just a body with my mind turned on auto pilot. When I come home, I want to be in a caccoon of love and safety or at second best - in a warm blanket completely alone, with a pillow over my head.

Kevin refused to come over last weekend. He told his father and his grandma that he didn't want to come over because he didn't like G. Not only is this a shock to us because he's never given us this impression. But it's also completely heartbreaking for G and I. Actually I have to add Rissa in here as very upset that Kevin is saying and doing these things. She talked and cried to me this afternoon. She said he has to make everything so difficult and that he lies all the time and doesn't know what mean is. The sad part is that all of this is true. He so needs to be in counseling. I've known this for a long time but haven't brought myself to find a different counselor for him since the one visit last year with a counselor I didn't like. I take total blame for not doing this and some of you probably know some of how I feel about counseling. Although I also realize that I have to put my feelings and fears aside for what's best for my son. His father has agreed that he needs counseling which is good, because he is even more anti-counseling that I currently am (I haven't always been this way).

I think it's awesome that some people are able to find a counselor that they really like and relate to. I'm glad that for some people they have found comfort and help in what a therapist has said and taught them. I just haven't had this experience and it's so hard to keep opening yourself up raw and bare naked only to find out you're in the wrong place. And instead of feeling healed, you leave more hurt than when you went in. The numbness of avoidance is gone and now your mind is filled with your fears and failures.

My eyes have been dry for a couple of hours now, no more tears. And I'm tired. Crying makes me tired. Sleep is my favorite part of the day, but the one bad thing is that sleep feels like a brief time each night. And it always ends with an alarm and a mad rush to go to work and get through another day.

Money (or lack thereof) sucks. The economy sucks. Good chance of layoffs (we've been forewarned) at the end of the school year. I'm low woman on the totem pole. And I think times are tough now?

Remind me to thank George Bush during his last days of presidency. Ha!