Another day, another story. Brett didn't end up going to school today because his knee was bothering him (aka...I'm sure it hurts, but he wanted a lil attention). He stayed with my Dad.

School today was one of those days when I felt like I chose the wrong profession and I was never going to get the students to respect me. On top of this, it was also the day that I found out that my job has been posted as available! Yup! Unbeknown to me, all part time teachers of this district need to reapply every year. What a pain and an extra worry that I just don't need right now. If I would have known this, I would have applied for the full time opening when I was contacted last week from the other school I adored working in. I called there today and today is the deadline. I'm going to aim for them getting it Monday and still having a chance since I heard through the grapevine they only had two applicants. I would have had an "in" except all the administration has changed since I was there 3 years ago.

On my lunch break I had to meet my Gram at the bank for some mortgage account business and then she took me to BK before I went back to school.

I cried again already today. No matter how unhealthy it is, whenever something happens to me...I want to call him. And too often I do call him only to be disappointed with his response. I didn't get sympathy and support while we were together so I don't know why I would now. It hurts so bad right now for him to treat me like a friend. It's exactly what I wished for but it hurts like hot pavement in your raw skin, scraped along beyond your control. I also hate when he ignores me. Why am I thinking I love him now that I know he doesn't love me. Is it just the "I don't want you but I don't want anybody else to have you either"? or what?

So tomorrow is another night without kids when I don't have to work the next morning. I'd love to resist the urge of sitting home by myself feeling lonely and unloved but don't have an idea of something to do that sounds fun. I really don't have anyone to go out with and if I did I still wouldn't know where to go. I guess I feel I want to meet someone to take my mind of him, but I know that unfortunately it's not something you can plan. I have to realize that I am not in control of this part. People keep telling me that I need to find what makes me happy alone before I can truly be happy with someone else. That sounds real great, but is there an instruction manual? How can I be happy alone when all I really want is to be loved unconditionally? How can I learn to love myself no matter what others say about me?