One of the problems I had in my past relationship is mistaking every argument to mean the possible end. It wasn't that I changed my feelings from the argument, but it was that I assumed he didn't want to be with me anymore (or that he didn't love me anymore, didn't want to please me etc.)

I'm finding this is an issue I still have. Things with G and I have been so near perfect that I've never had a single sad moment with him...until recently. Now don't get me wrong, nothing has been a big deal and he'd never do anything purposely to make me sad...but it's coming with the adjustment period of becoming a family. We're not two single people coming together. We're two families coming together and with that there is an even bigger adjustment. My two kids fight a lot (as most of you know) so we can't expect his kids and my kids to get along all the time. The more they become brothers and sisters, the more little squabbles will come up. Last night my 2 were fighting over who got to sit next to "Liz" and Kev ended up being rude to G over it while he was trying his best to mediate. I got overly sensitive about it even though I know that Kev is the one who needs an attitude adjustment (and in general is doing so much better). So although G and I didn't fight, it put a wedge between us for the night. I went out to his car where he was looking for some papers and apologized and told him I wasn't mad at him and that I was glad he tried to deal with it. He said it was all over and we kissed...but it didn't prove to be over because there was still this distance. I finally said I was going to bed at midnight and I was real sad when he didn't follow me. It's the one time I know I'll be in his arms and for that time everything will be serene. I took an anxiety pill and lay in bed with the t.v. on. Tears were coming to my eyes and I was getting angry. All the thoughts and feelings of being alone for so long and so lonely for so long were overcoming me. I was probably only in bed 15 mins. by myself but it was an eternity. When he did come to better, we talked and I cried. We both felt the other wanted to be alone when we both wanted to be together. We settled it and fell asleep safe and warm in eachother's loving embrace.

But today it happened again. Kev and Andy got into an argument of name calling over a bike seat misunderstanding. Andy was crying, Kev was being all defensive and we tried to mediate. Only our mediation tactics are very different. He wants the kids to come to us when things get heated but I feel like I like my kids to try to work things out by themselves whenever possible and not constantly come running to me. Rationally I know this is minor and we can work it out, but my heart is sad and scared. I don't want to lose this. I don't want it to change into what it was in my previous relationship.

As I sit hear, tears fall down my cheeks. I don't want a constant flow of tears like I used to have. I don't want him not to move in.

I want to be a family. I want to all love each other and be peaceful and kind to and towards each other. I feel like I'm doing everything I can to promote a positive, loving atmosphere for my new family. All I need in return is LOVE.

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