Today I wrote this to a friend who felt upset like maybe I was mad because I hadn't written today. I thought how important it was for me to say this out loud (in words lol) to all my dear friends in hopes that they would understand me a bit more.


I'm unpredictable sometimes, but I'm not going to just get mad and dump you as my friend. You know that we both feel blessed by our friendship and no matter how I feel when I'm not with you, I know that I will feel better and healed later today or maybe tomorrow. I'm lucky to have great, supportive friends both online and in person. I would think that this along with all my poems, sweet letters and phone calls would keep me from "crashing" but I guess God is just telling me that I need to have these reflection days at this time.


I don't even realize when it's happening until I'm there. I guess it was what was coming on me last night and then being home today and off schedule made it easier for me to just crash. My son and I went back to sleep this morning after he got dropped off and then we went out to the bank, to get gas and came home and ate lunch. Shortly after this, I was massaging his shoulders and laying down...and low and behold...I fell asleep again. So I slept the day away bascially and feel like poop now for doing it. This is not unlike me at all. I've actually been very good with resisting napping lately but then there are cloudy days like today when nothing is pressing me to just keep moving and ...a day like today results.


I am a deep person so I'm constantly thinking and analyzing as you know. My imagination runs wild at times and I'm trying hard not to worry about tomorrow or yesterday. I also have this bad quality of being indecisive and changing my mind frequently, something that my husband attributed to my mental illness and couldn't handle. I can't handle myself sometimes so I don't blame him I guess. I wish he could have loved me for me after 21 years but then again I didn't really love him for him either.


So I've tried to explain what's in this head of mine the best I can (not really knowing myself). But I want to say, please don't worry if you don't hear from me. I retreat and it has nothing to do with you. It doesn't mean you're not a great friend with the potential to be more. I retreat and it's all about myself. Like you've told me, it's all a part of my healing process and I knew it would be a very non-linear process. I have up days and down days but this doesn't mean a thing about how I feel about you.

If there is one thing you can always count on with me, it is that I won't leave you bored because I'm constantly changing. I'm unpredictable. I describe myself not only as quirky but also as eclectic and a bit eccentric. You haven't seen all these sides yet because you bring out the calm, spiritual side of me and because sometimes I hide the parts of myself I don't think the world as I know it is ready for.



So I don't know if all this that I know about myself is "mental illness" (some have classified me with just "depression" and others "bipolar") or if it's just me being myself. I like to think that no matter the cause, it is just me. And the more I get to thinking, I really don't think I'd be "me" without the highs and the lows; the good and the bad; the innocent and the wild one....etc. I guess I'm beginning to like who I am and feel secure in myself a bit. At least for today, tune in for an update later (lol).


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Your friend if you'll continue to accept me