This morning my sister came over early with coffee and a muffin to hear all about my date last night. She was thoroughly impressed. He called me at 10 a.m. just to say good morning, he had a great time last night and that he was headed out for the day but hoped we could chat later. I thought that was very nice. Through the day, I thought of him and smiled. I started reading one of the books I borrowed from him. I had made a special, new connection. The world was good.

My daughter had a friend over and was so excited to show me and anyone around all the new clothes dad had bought her when they went shopping last night. It was very nice of him. I was happy for both of them. My son came home from a friends tired and miserable. He fell asleep on the couch before I could make him a grilled cheese sandwich.

I talked to my ex today for the first time in a while other than business about the kids. He knew of me meeting someone and he said that of course it was a little upsetting after all the years we've been married but he was okay with it. He said and he was right- that I hadn't really been trying to be a friend to him lately. I said that I was sorry and that it just got too painful to me for a while. I was really at a time of feeling I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I missed him so much I could die! And even though he never made me happy and things have only been made more clear that this was the right thing to do since we've separated, I irrationally wanted him. I wanted him to want me. I wanted to feel him physically next to me so that I could once again pretend like I had for so long that everything was okay. I wanted to be with him as this new guy he's portraying since we've separated. The sensitive one who plays with the kids, takes pride in his appearance, goes shopping, does projects and re-decorates the house. I guess I was the starter wife.

And then I started feeling a little glum as I remembered how nice he could be. And when my new friend called tonight, it wasn't the same as it was in person. It could have been my mood and state of mind, but I thought this yesterday when we were on the phone too. He comes off awkward on the phone. It's hard to explain. I may too as I've said before- I'm really no a fan of phone conversations in general. He's very interested in me. I think that scares me a little. Of all the things I mention and love about what I've learned about him so far, it's hard to think that I could find something that I'm not sure of. But I think the chemistry thing may not be there and unfortunately it may be for the very same reasons I like him. He has many wonderful qualities that are also generally feminine qualities. I've only been with one man in my life so I don't have much basis to say what I do and don't like but I'm not sure about this quality.

I shouldn't over-think and take it two steps ahead. Then I'm not enjoying! I'm self-sabbotaging I think... Hmmm...

Hey guys (psssttt)..... I think I'm starting to find myself.

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