Ok here goes...

This is one of those rambling blogs that has no name as of yet for the simple reason that I have not a clue what's going to come out right now. I have a ton of things weighing on my heart.

I'm upset with myself for being too hard on those I love. Consciously I think that I am a loving, accepting person. But realistically I'm starting to see that I expect too much of those I love the most.

Part of this is because for every action or lack of action on their part, I've already attached a "pre-existing meaning" to it. And to make it worse, I don't tell the person this "interpretation a la Gwen" until sometimes way after when it has already festered into hurt feelings.

I hate having my feelings hurt and I hate hurting people's feelings, but I do it anyway. I hate walking on egg shells worried about the reactions of others yet I act in a way which makes others feel they need to walk on egg shells.


glitter-graphics.com

I always look at what I've done and apologize after the fact but I wish I could learn how to make it not happen. In the past I've thought that holding it in, not talking about the petty thing that's bothering me would be the answer. But I've found and am still finding that #1 I'm not good at hiding my feelings/emotions and #2 It always ends up exploding somehow when it's revealed

The answer just came to me once again, in my ear, three little words...so simple...yet so impossible feeling at the same time.

Let It Go

I know that I need to start letting these little things go the minute they come into my mind. I need to ask myself "Is it really worth getting upset over?" And if it's not, then let it go.

The only thing I'm afraid of is that every time I let go, I could also be retreating. For example I'm thinking about what happened last night and how I could have let it go. But then I think of how it makes me "feel way down deep" and it makes me feel bad in a childish "You're a bad girl, Gwen" type of way. This makes me want to retreat, in an imaginary corner and never ask for what I want or need for fear of being the only one who wants or needs. I suppose this shouldn't be a bad thing, as a matter of fact when I wrote the post of things I'd like to work on "Asking for what I want and need" was a step I wanted to take. And so was "Having needs doesn't make me needy" yet I am again reminded how terribly hard this is for me to believe.

I try to be so strong, so efficient. I try to take care of others so they have no wants or needs that I don't fulfill. I'm sure I miss a lot of things, especially when the inevitable comes...and I burn out. When I feel the tears burning the backs of my eyes, I push them back into a big lump in my throat and a tightening of my chest. I try to turn my sadness into anger. It usually works. I spend a lot of time angry at myself. I know this is also unhealthy.

Next word in my ear...Forgiveness

I need to forgive myself. I think this would be a lot easier if others in my life would forgive me. When someone apologizes to me, I always forgive. Perhaps because of relationships with family members who have trouble with carrying grudges, it's harder for me to forgive myself. I think I just don't deserve forgiveness (sub-consciously) since those who supposedly love me the most won't forgive me. It's the little things they don't forgive me for. One bad day internally for me can result in weeks of not speaking to certain family members. (Thus the reason I've tried to isolate myself for years) If I can't be forgive for the little things like tone of voice or raising my voice, how can I expect to be forgiven for the bigger mistakes I may make? (I can't)

So I need to learn how to try my hardest not to offend on my bad days (egg shells again).

I need to try to have less bad days (let it go).

I need to still love myself when I'm not perfect in my intents (forgiveness).

I need to accept the fact that when I've apologized (and done the first two items on this list) but am not forgiven - it is no longer about me. I've done what I could do (let it go)