Or at least it feels...

I began by waking up already feeling a pit in my chest of anxiety. I was in a bad place when I went to bed, so it was a hug-less night and I wasn't even close to being ready to get up and try it all again today.

I noticed it was cold and looked at the thermometer to find that it was indeed 62 when the thermostat was set at about 70. Cold air was blowing through the house and there was a faint gas smell. The $600 worth of propane delivered the day after Christmas (what a gift in itself) was already gone...2 tanks...bone dry.

So I get ready to pull out of the driveway, forgetting about garbage day, and ran the garbage can right over. Kev and Riss both helped pick it up.

I called my parents to see if they could call the propane company as I was late for work and G's daughter was going to be home in the cold all day because in the high school, it's mid-term testing week. I found out why I couldn't find my phone. She had accidentally taken it home with her last night. They hung out with the kids while G and I went to dinner (bought by them) and to Walmart. Today my parents went back to Florida and I won't see them until the end of April.

I am not sure I'm strong enough to lay it all out there about what happened at my job today. Let's sum it up by saying that I was made to feel inadequate and was belittled by an administrator for writing my first referral in 1.5 years.

I know a lot of this is just too much going on..all at the same time. I know that it's more how I'm reacting to things than actually what is happening.

I also know that this is the umpteenth blog I've written on what a crappy teacher I am and how I feel that I need to find a new profession. But then I feel like I'll have to wait until they "find me out" and "let me go" for being so inadequate because lets face it: I can't even pay my freaking bills now and there is NO other job that I could get that would even come close to the money I get now. Plus, let's hope that the less stress thing will work to my advantage at a different job, because there is no way I'd ever get such a generous benefit package of sick days and such.

Today I was weak and I hate it. I was not in control of my emotions. I'm so low on the depression spectrum that I'm actually dizzy and sick to my stomach. All I want to do is sleep.

They're forecasting another 6-12 inches of snow on top of the probably 36 inches piled so high on either side of my driveway. And I'm praying that this is an answer to my prayer. A tiny answer, of another day, with a chance of recovery from a God -send in the form of a snow day.