I had a low week. Sometimes I worry about how low I'm getting.

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I tell myself it's about Kevin and about money primarily, but is there more? I'm not sure. Some days I feel so positive and others I feel so hollow.

Wednesday after school, I picked Kevin up. He had said that he wanted to stay with me and I happy happy and optimistic since his last visit had went well. Well, we had some things going against us. Poor guy was really sick with a hard cold. He had stayed home from school Tuesday. And so he also had lots of work to make up from then. He sat at the table right away and started tearing up. At first I thought it was because already he wanted his dad, but then he told me. I gave him the option of waiting for me to help him with it later, but whe chose to have sissy help him while I went to a wake for a friend of the family.

Later that afternoon, he was coughing bad and kept telling me he didn't feel good. I gave him some cough medicine, tissues and a drink. Then from 7-10 I lay with him, rubbed his belly, watched t.v. with him, cuddled with him and read to him while he teared up, telling me he missed his dad and wanted to go to dad's house. After him calling his Daddy a few times, he left his "date" and came to get him.

It felt like even though up till now my week had not been great, things went downhill from here. Can I even begin to explain the pain I feel not being able to comfort him as he cries in sadness or cries for his father...(against the breasts that nourished and comforted him for the first part of his life) How do I go to work each day and live my life knowing that my baby doesn't feel comfortable falling asleep at my his (the house he's primarily lived in for a year).

To know that my baby is sick and emotionally in pain- and I can't make him feel better. It's not I,that he calls out for, but his father. Do I even need to try to explain how that feels?

So Thursday things got the best of me. Kevin was sick at school, vomited at his desk because of all the mucus from his cold. His father was working out of town and my whole family was at a funeral and memorial service. My students were horribly bad and lately they've been making me feel like my whole education,career and effort to care about them is a joke. I actually started tearing up in one class. Two and a half hours after getting a call from the school nurse, I went and picked Kevin up. I found someone to cover my last class.

The truth is that by the time I got my boy, I needed to be home from school sick just as much as he did. We spent the next couple of hours, he and I, in my bed with the electric blanket on, watching Forrest Gump, talking and snoozing.

Yesterday was Friday and I was still feeling too weak physically and emotionally to go to work. I hate the guilt I feel for having depression and anxiety. I am glad that some don't know the physical pain of the affliction. I also pray that in these tough economic times, my attendance at work doesn't lead to me being let go. I know that worrying about the future is a complete waste of energy and giving power to negativity, but the word is out. Expect cuts. Supply cuts have already been cut. Seniority lists have already been sent out to determine which teachers would be the first to go at the end of the academic year if the board decides on staffing cuts. And honestly, I feel guilty and irresponsible, but yet I feel also powerless and unable to always push through. I push through most days, but I need to push through more.

Marissa is really becoming a teenager. I'm kind of worried. She's a good girl but I'm afraid that with my depression worse, I will fail her and fail to recognize a need she's having through all of this change. Her brother has always been the more high maintenance one, requiring a lot of attention. She is starting to get interested in boys. It was bound to happen of course, but I sort of hoped it wouldn't lol. I worry about her not dancing anymore. I am supportive that she felt burnt out, but I want her involved in something positive that will take up some of her time and keep her in a good social group of friends. Too much idle time on anyone's hands can be scary (but especially so for teenagers I think).

My parents are here until Tuesday. Monday night G and I are going to their house (with only one bedroom and also no cable hooked up)and they're staying here for the night with all four kids.

G and I hd a great day today. We had a breakfast sandwich and coffee and headed to an awesome used book store about 20 miles away. All the paper backs are $1 each and I even got one hard covered bio-medical thriller that sounds really good for only 50 cents. I found so many awesome books! I have been reading like two at a time lately. I finished two last week. This week I started reading the 3rd in a series, Brother Odd by Dean Koontz and I'm about to start a series by Bill Myers about a guy who makes a deal with a devil. My taste in books is similar to my taste in most things -eclectic! For example, today I got: An educational book by Mel Levine about how the brain works, a Chicken Soup For The Soul book, a fun story about a divorce who moves to California with her best friend, a story about a girl who goes on a reality t.v. show to lose weight so she can meet a guy she fell in love with online that thinks she's a size 4 (lol), a book called Miracles (you can guess what it's about) and then one G picked out for me that he's read before called The Horse Whisperer.

We've spent the evening catching up on our recorded shows, watching movies and munching. We've had a few drinks, cuddled up on the couch with the dogs and we orderd yummy dinner in.

Tmorrow morning we're going to Rhonda's french bulldog puppy's first dog show. She's our niece and we love her. SHe's so beautiful. Today she one two first prize ribbons! I'll post pics when I can!