"Why did you kick the cat?" I asked my four year old sister as she twirled around the house. "I don't know" she replied in her best "I'm so sweet" voice. And that was the beginning of the "I don't know" battle. This same war was waged by my son, who is now eight, a couple of years ago and is still going strong. It seems like they reach a certain age and these wonderful, smart children suddenly have their brains sucked right out of their heads. By the time my child reaches the end of this stage I will be sitting in a corner, babbling to myself surrounded by locks of hair that I have pulled out of my head by the roots... Okay, okay, perhaps not. But it seems like it sometimes, especially when I find myself asking my child the same questions over and over again. One of these days I will join the technology era and invent "The Automated Mommy Response System". It would work something like this….



Please press (1) to continue in English.

Para continuar en español marca (9)



You have selected English, now please enter the year you were born so that the automated service may ask the age appropriate questions.



You have entered 1999.

Please select from the following automatic questions:



(1) "Why can't you hear me ask you to put your clothes away when we are in the same room, but hear me on the other side of the house mumbling to myself about what I am going to make for dessert tonight?





If your answer is "I don't know" please press (1) now for "Mommy brow furrow".



If your answer is "huh" please press (2) now for automatic dispensing of q-tips.



If your answer is "what clothes, when?" please standby for eyebrow raise and evil eye laser beams.





(2) "Why is it that you can tell your sister is wearing your old batman shirt, but don't notice that the pants you put on this morning are six sizes too small and have pink and yellow butterflies on them?





If your answer is "They are?" please press (1) now for "Mommy frown and head shake".



If your answer is "Butterflies? What butterflies?" please press (2)now for "Mommy blank look".



If your answer is "I don't know" please stand by for "Mommy finger point" directing you to your room and evil eye laser beams boring holes into your head until you change out of your sisters pants.





(3) Why is it you can remember to tell your grandparents about how your mother didn't let you __________ (fill in blank) two months ago, but can't remember that you have asked the same question every ten minutes for the past two hours?





If your answer is "I don't know" please press (1) now for "evil eye laser beams" and instructions on the appropriate application of duct tape.



If your answer is "huh" please press (2) now for automatic dispensing of q-tips and instructions on the appropriate application of duct tape.



If your answer is "I don't remember" please stand by for the automatic dispensing of Ginko Biloba, instructions on the appropriate application of duct tape, and count down to system overload.





***Back to Main Menu….



***Main Menu……Please enter the year you were born so that the automated service may ask the age appropriate questions.



You have entered 2002

Please select from the following automated questions:



(1) "Why is it that you can disassemble all the child safety latches in the house, but still put your underwear and shoes on backwards every day?"





If your answer is "They are?" please press (1) now for "Mommy frown and head shake".



If your answer is "Take apart!" please press (2) now for "Mommy sigh and head shake".



If your answer is "I don't know" please stand by for "evil eye laser beams" and "Mommy finger point" directing you to your room.





(2) Why did you smear ________________ (choose from the following: [1] peanut butter, [2] yogurt, [3] soup, [4] mayonnaise, [5] butter, [6] Vaseline, [7] lotion, [8] fingernail polish, [9] paint, [0] other ) all over the ______________(please select one or more of the following: [1] dog, [2] couch, [3] kitchen, [4] bathroom, [5] other)?





If your answer is "I don't know" please press (1) and vacate the area.



If your answer is to "stand there and look as cute as possible" please press (2) and vacate the area.



If your answer is anything other than running and hiding please standby for automatic dispensing of ear plugs and count down to imminent explosion.





(3) "Why did you wash mommy's cell phone?"



If your answer is "I don't know" please press (1), vacate the area and find the nearest fallout shelter.



If your answer is "freeze and hope mom's vision is based on movement" please press (2) and run for your life.



If your answer is anything other than running and hiding, please standby for automatic dispensing of ear plugs, oxygen masks, floatation devices, hazmat, bomb squad and the count down to imminent nuclear meltdown.





***Main Menu…..

If you need to hear these questions again please press (1) now.



If you would like to hear about our special offers on updates for "The Automated Mommy Response System" such as the "Automated Wife Response System" please press (2) now.



If your "Automated Mommy Response System" is malfunctioning or having a melt down more than once a day, please stay on the line for phone numbers to military academies and mental institutions in your area.



Thank you, and have a nice day!