My birthday was Jan 19. I did not get a card from my son or my grandsons- and needless to say, no gift. My son called me on the 18th to wish me a Happy Birthday. Why does it matter so much to me that he did not send a card? Am I a bi-ch for feeling disappointed? After all, he remembered to call.

I told him (on the 18th) about the tests the VA was running to rule out bladder cancer. He has never bothered to pick up the phone to see how I was doing, or to ask if I got any results back yet. Am I a whiner for feeling like he does not care?

I miss Tod so much! Tod loved me without reservation. He did not resent me for all of my mistakes- or perceived mistakes as a parent. Michael always blamed me and it was ever his father's interpretation of events. We can't talk about all of the hurtful things he accused me of because he does not want to "rehash the past", so the old accusations hang there, and I end up interpreting things like not getting a card on my birthday, or him not calling me to ask how I am as residuals of his resentments towards me.

I think too damn much. No wonder I have been depressed!

I am trying to quit smoking with the emphasis here on trying. I can't seem to get down to fewer than five cigarettes a day. At least it is never more, but I must quit. Not four or five cigarettes a day- quit completely. I am truly beginning to understand Tod's despair over not being able to get past his addictions. I am not giving up. I want to quit. I want to live.