Things are changing in my life and I think for the better. When I was a therapist, I remember often warning my clients that the price of 'getting well' often is adjusting to the loss of all of the dysfunctional relationships that kept their lives in turmoil. Until people form new and healthier relationships, it can feel pretty lonely. I am experiencing that alone-ness now.

It all started when I finally told my sisters (M and E)that I no longer wanted them in my life. I put up with their abuses and accusations all of my life because, I reasoned to myself, they were my family. I continue to have relationships with my two youngest sisters. The youngest is amazing and I love her to pieces.

Something wonderful happened when I finally told M and E to stay out of my life. It felt as if a terrible burden was lifted off my back. I no longer had to tolerate their constant criticisms of me or feel defensive. My former friend, K, and her sons are no longer in my life either. I dreaded seeing her at my grandson's birthday party. She lashed out at me after Tod's death and hurt me so badly that I got all worked up over having to be in the same room with her, but when I saw her again, all I felt was pity (NOT the same as compassion). I know she regrets her attack against me now, but she screwed me over too many times. We will never be friends again and I don't miss her at all.

My best friend S has a new best friend. The new best friend doesn't like me, and since her new friend moved in with S a few months after Tod died, she (S) no longer calls me or spends time with me. I do miss her, but I have to wonder why S would move in a woman with no job, buy her a car, take her on trips, give her hundreds and sometimes thousands of dollars every month, buy her clothes... I guess I never fulfilled her need to feel needed because I did not need or want her money. S is Seminole and has an income of nearly $10,000 a month and minimal housing costs. The tribe pays for almost everything including food.

Friend S's son moved in with me in mid September. A few weeks has turned into a few months and I just want him out. He had just come out of rehab but I think he has relapsed. I do know I have never seen anyone blow through money like him- $13,000 in October alone with NOTHING to show for it. He has not paid any rent to me since October 6th and always has excuses. Next week, then next week.... I just want him out!!! I cannot afford to feed him either. He literally ate six pounds of meat and more than a whole loaf of bread (besides lots of other stuff, like half of my chicken and yellow rice) in 24 hours- and I am not exaggerating.

The whole point of this is, the holidays are coming up and my Christmas shopping list has shrunk from over 20 names to a mere handful, and that is after the birth of four children in the past three years! It does make facing the holidays feel a bit lonely.

Time to rebuild the rest of my life and work on healthier relationships. With everything else I have accomplished in my life, I will only fail if I don't make the effort.