Last year, I slipped into another depression. I think it may be the same one that has been waxing and waning since my son died. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning and my head bobs above the surface only briefly, like when I find another lifeline, only to have it eventually slip from my grasp again. I did not want to dump all of that depression on to you. People who seem to ever be depressed suck all of the life and joy out of others-- and are downright exhausting! That is not how I wish to be regarded.

Most of my family ties are broken and it is lonely. I broke most of the ties myself because the price of maintaining a relationship with them was too high. The price was suffering verbal abuse, insults and injuries, like the ugly things my sister said to me before I broke my ties to her: She questions my grief for my son because according to her, I did not want him when he was born.

When I was a therapist, I used to counsel my clients that when your family of origin is toxic and dysfunctional, the price of becoming healthy is often loneliness. Healthy means not enduring disrespect and abuse, and when family members refuse to change how they treat us, we may have to move ourselves out of their destructive path. I think I forgot that!

I spent some time on FB and filled in my timeline from birth to the present. Part of that process was reminiscing. The other was reevaluating my life and relationships. I did not say anything intimate like I do here; just posted photos of significant events. FB is much more anonymous.

What was truly telling was that my son and DIL ignored every post including photos of themselves and of my grandchildren! What did I expect? My son told me that my feelings are irrelevant and my DIL said she never thanked me for any of the sometimes expensive, Mother's day and birthday gifts that I sent her because, "It is not her job to deal with me." That is the kind of toxic disrespect that I am avoiding.

I think a lot of the depression was anger turned inward. I deserve better! The hard part was/is letting go of my disappointment and anger. I am still in process, but I have surfaced again! My life is what I make it, and the love of friends is often more meaningful than the love of family. Friends love you because they choose to.

I painted a few watercolors, but nothing I would dare show here. Very mediocre! At least I have picked up the brush again. I am on Jon's mailing list and sigh with envy every time I see his most recent works. Why don't I go back to oil or acrylics? Why am I punishing myself by insisting on painting with watercolor?


P.S.: I posted a picture but all I saw was the text for the link so I removed it. What did I do wrong?