I have so many thoughts running through my head right now...so many things I would like to say....but my head tells me NO! Keep your thoughts to yourself. No need to burden anyone with your dirty little secrets. No need to open yourself up to whatever others may think. The reason that I ALMOST kept myself incognito here on mybloggers...to say things that float through my brain, without anyone really knowing who I am, without letting myself be open to hurting, to be open to those ugly feelings of "not being good enough".....things I've battled my whole life.

I feel the pain in so many blogs, either through my own experiences personally, or because of experiences I've shared with others close to me. I also share in the beauty and joy in so many blogs, for the same reasons. But I don't know what I can trust myself to say.....what I can safely feel is okay to share. I have tried to reach out to others, and sometimes it has been good. Recently, one particular reaching out has felt like I overstepped my bounds. I won't name names, but it is someone who has lived a life that I just can hardly even imagine....all the abuse, and now the negative thoughts that continue to haunt them. I have lived that life, only in a different way. I had a grandmother whose three brothers all committed suicide, all using the same gun....I have a close relative who has spent most of their life contemplating, even planning their own demise, until they were saved by the proper combination of medications and therapy. I have had an ex husband who took that route...not getting the help that was out there for him. And so I try to reach out, to offer my thoughts, my concerns, and any advice that I think could be of help. But I will just keep those things to myself.....I will not push them upon anyone who does not wish to hear what I have to say.

Don't take this as a negative blog.....I just have always had a hard time opening up to people, really baring my soul. I am heartened by blogs like Janet's and Don's...openly sharing their love....sex and all.....because that is a part of it. There are so many others as well. I am proud to call myself a friend to all of you....and hope that you feel the same about me. But if you don't....that's okay. I only need to be true to me. I need to be true to the realization that not everyone wants or needs MY help. You know who you are that I sent a note to....so here in a public forum....I am sorry for overstepping my bounds. I meant no harm.

I have always felt that I just wasn't quite "good enough". But with the help of my sweet love, the Slick One, I have come so far in knowing that I AM good enough. And that I am better than good enough. I am deserving of love, and happiness. And that I'm NOT going to be liked by everyone. That was one of my biggest hangups for the longest time. I would think "well what if they don't like me?"......well, you know....when I stop and think about it....with some people, I really don't CARE if they like me. Because honestly, I really don't like them....I don't like who they are, I don't like what they seem to stand for.....so why would it matter what they think of me? It's kinda like being a parent....we want our kids to like us, to think highly of us, to always seek out our sage advice (and then follow it, of course!!). Most people really want to be "friends" with their children. But you know what.....I wasn't put here to be their friend...I am their parent, I am to lead and guide them. I am the one who has to say NO when they want to hear YES. I am the one who is to gently guide them, through love and discipline, to teach them right from wrong. If we can be friends through it all, that is wonderful. But like a key chain I saw many years ago that said "I was put on this earth to make your life miserable"......that pretty much sums up parenthood! For me, in the long run, all the pain and suffering, the heartaches and the times that they "hated" me.....they now can see that everything I did, I did because I loved them...unconditionally....forever and ever! I couldn't ask for a better relationship with each of my kids. I am Truly blessed yet again.

This is such a rambling blog....and there are so many more things I could say.....I think I'll just stop for now. I do have a mental list of things to get done today...think I need to put them on paper so I can actually accomplish them.

I'll have to work on the exclamation point blog.....and the, 'you know' and 'Right!' and 'Exactly' blog!! I think it will be one blog......on another day.

From my heart to yours.....lots of love and hugs and prayers!