Not really.

There have been a few emails about the last video posted and the change in my avatar to the grim reaper. I wasn't going to write about this but I need to process what is going on. And I guess this is as good a place as any. Besides, it doesn't cost me $150 an hour.

I am ill. The doctors aren't certain why as yet. The general term is Congestive Heart Failure. What that means is that fluid congestion in my chest cavity is impairing my heart function. They don't know why.

Last week, I started feeling a little more tired than usual. I had been working long hours and not getting quite enough sleep, so I chalked it up to general exhaustion. Then, Wednesday I was sitting out on the patio and I looked down and my ankles were so swollen they looked like elephant feet.

By the next morning, I couldn't wear my watch. SO, I went to the doctor. If you know me, I NEVER go to the doctor. Anyway, my blood pressure was in the imminent stroke range, something to the tune of 190/96.

So, the doctor tells me I need to see a cardiologist pronto and they put me on some diuretics to try and rid my body of the excess fluid. A chest x-ray revealed and enlarged heart and some fluid in the chest cavity.

So, Dr.'s orders, no salt, low sodium, no fat, no cigars, no 21 year old single malt scotch. Basically, nothing that tastes good or is fun. I don't know if you have ever been grocery shopping for low salt, low fat stuff but your choices are basically fresh fruits and veggies.

By yesterday, the swelling had not gone down much. And I went from a guy that can do 45 hard minutes on a treadmill to a guy that could barely climb the stairs to my bedroom without getting out of breath. Kinda sucks.

So, they increase the dosage of the diuretic and ad a blood pressure ill that also has one. Just this afternoon I think it has begun to work. have noticed an increase in urination. (Sorry, too much info probably)

The cardiologist ran a few tests but once to also do an sonagram and a doppler. I am paying for this out of pocket so we are negotiating price. They want to rule out all of the heart possibilities before they go on to Liver or Kidney problems.

I have had a splitting headache for about 6 days now. I get tired very easily. I am going to the gym this evening. Maybe some nice sweat will help, Maybe it will make me feel better.

I have been through something like this before. About a year ago, there was a thought I had cancer because of a lump I had on my chest. Turned out it was benign but it was till scary. This scares me though. Three of my grandparents had heart problems. My fourth died of a stroke.

So, I continue working each day wondering what is going to happen. What have I missed? What do I want to do before I die? Should I make a "Bucket List". There is really only one thing I want to do before I die, well two actually. i want to see my daughter graduate from college and I want to walk her down the aisle.

My friends are quite concerned about me. They ask what the doctor has said. They ask how I am feeling. They tell me to take it easy. But you know something, it just isn't my way. I am going full ahead until they start shoveling dirt in my face. There is no back-up and no quit. never give an inch.

I have been very good. I am eating whole grain cereal, fruits, granola bars, turkey on whole grain bread. I read all the labels now. The only slip was Friday night when I posted that video. I sat with my feet on my desk and listen ed to that song over and over after breaking the seal on a bottle of Macallan 21 and sipping it in a cut crystal glass.

My arms tingle. My chest is tight. I may be dying. Who knows what will happen. I wish I did. I wish I knew unequivocally that I was going to be around to provide for M. I wish I knew that one day I would find love and not just lust. I wish I knew that one day i would see what I have built with my sweat and blood be recognized as the biggest and the best. I wish I knew I could forgive my father. I wish I would take more time to smell the flowers. I wish....

But I don't.

Peace