Any of you that have read me for a while have followed the trials I had with Johnathan. It has been over a year since we split up because of wanting different things in our respective lives. I have seen him a few times and he is one of those people in my life that I have an addiction to. I still care deeply for him but it is one of those relationships where I have had to build a wall and set emotional limits to protect myself.

A new chapter of the Johnathan saga began this week, Tuesday actually. I was driving down to see M's piano recitals when he called me. He was crying. Very upset. He had begun cutting himself again. I told him to stop and I would find him someone to talk to. I called several organizations and no one responded. I left messages. Even the local GLBT crisis center took 90 minutes to get back to me. I told those assholes that is not how you handle crisis intervention.

Johnathan was very upset and was talking suicide. I was not in a position to help him. However, I got my business partner, who also knows Johnathan and cares about him to go get him and take him to Ben Taub, the county hospital here in Houston. They admitted him and the next day they transferred him to the Harris County Psychiatric Center. If MW had not been able to take Johnathan, I was going to have him committed by the Constables.

I went to visit him last night. I brought him some clothes, socks and underwear. We talked for over an hour. A real talk. I told him exactly how I felt when he left last year. I told him that since last November, I had been expecting to receive a call in the middle of the night telling me that he was dad. I could not live like that. We talked about his jobs and the things he does. We talked about what it was going to take for him to be healthy. he seemed open for the first time to actually doing whatever it takes. Maybe he finally hit his bottom.

For those of you that don't know, I am a diagnosed type II bi-polar. I have a tendency to rapid cycle and have extreme highs and lows. I have had three suicide attempts, the last on April 15, 2005. I have been to every rehab, counseling center and program in existence. I can understand much of what Johnathan is experiencing. I also know that I must protect myself because I could enter a whirlpool with him that could suck me down. I have been off of my meds for a long time now. I have learned to recognize my symptoms and control what is happening to me. I am lucky. I also have Amy constantly looking over my shoulder and speaking up when she sees me getting off center, although she is often incorrect or just misreading the signs.

I realized sitting in that hospital last night that I am still in love with him. Funny how that works. I am having to build a wall and protect myself from the one guy that I truly do love. I guess karma is a bitch. Now I have some idea of what Amy must've gone through all those years.

I know I can't save Johnathan. He has to save himself. I do know that I have a great deal of wisdom to share with him. And he is still my friend. I don't think I will ever to be with him. But neither do I think we will ever be totally apart.

I guess life isn't what we want it to be. I guess it just keeps moving in whatever direction it chooses, irregardless of what we want. We are just along for the ride. It is our job to make the best of what we have. It isn't fair. We all are not equal. It is sad to me. I like to be the fixer. I am the one that can solve your problems. I quess that is part of my disease, I tend to think way too much of my abilities.