SURVIVAL TIPS FOR WOMEN IN LOS ANGELES by Jane Adams

(I saved this from a New York Times Sunday edition of 11/18/85. It is a little dated, but I think it’s still funny.)

There are some things the guidebooks do not tell you about Los Angeles. These are the secrets that Savvy, or even Cosmopolitan, ought to have told you, but since they have not, I will. All of this information was gleaned from People Who Should know: the ladies’ room attendants at the best restaurants, the royalty of Rodeo Drive, the waitresses at the Sunset Marquis and all of the Hollywood wives who are not characters in Jackie Collins’s novels.

These hints will be very helpful in making your personal or professional sojourn in the City of the Angels a success, particularly if you are a woman and not young, beautiful or good box office. If you are any of those things – or better yet, all of them – you should not waste your time reading this, although you may want to clip it for your future file, since youth does not last forever.

It is perfectly possible for a woman to enjoy an occasional trip to L.A., if she plans well. While there are hazards, there are also great rewards. In that respect, it is rather like climbing Mount Everest; you do it not because you’re there, but because it is.

Here are some difficulties you may encounter if you are a grown-up woman planning to travel to Los Angeles.

First, there is the problem of dressing. Whatever you bring will be wrong. It will be the wrong style, the wrong length and the wrong color. Two minutes after your plane lands at LAX, it will be dated, even if you bought it at that hot new boutique on Santa Monica Boulevard two weeks ago, on your last trip. Do not, however, attempt to return it – since Wednesday, that boutique has been a sushi bar.

Then there will be the problem with your age. In every other city in the United States, it is O.K. to be over 30. In Florida, where your mother lives, you are practically a baby; in New York, where real people live, it is all right to admit you remember a time before television; and in the places where everybody else lives, the lines on your face are considered evidence of character, not character deficiency. In Los Angeles, the only thing you are probably not too old for is Medicare.

You will always be the wrong size in L.A., where the panty hose is labeled “One Size Fits Most,” and otherwise intelligent people run around trying to catch anorexia. There are a lot of very seriously thin women whom you are likely to encounter whenever you have been rash enough to eat an ice-cream cone in public. On seeing them, you will be seized by an irresistible urge to stuff it in the nearest mailbox. Remember: To make it in L.A., you need a seven-figure contract, a six-picture deal or a two-figure body weight.

Early on, before talkies, the most successful women were seen but not heard, and a certain fondness for that standard still lingers in the city. Then it will be wise to moderate your usual tone and move very slowly, if at all. If you are from New York, someone will always be telling you to lower your voice, even if you don’t say anything, in which case it may be suggested that you lay back. This is not necessarily a sexual invitation, particularly when it comes from a waiter to whom you have just complained that your soup is cold. In New York, of course, he would respond by spilling it in your lap; in L.A. he will probably want to know if you are a Pisces. When expressing a dissenting opinion on any subject, prepare to be offered either (a) the name of a good therapist; (b) a pitying look; or (c) a Quaalude.

Here are some useful strategies to keep you alive in Los Angeles until someone notices you:

==Arrive with a Hot Property or a Bankable Element.

--Wear mirrored sunglasses so people can see themselves in your reflection.

--Avoid restaurants like the West Beach Café, where all of the patrons are elegantly dressed, beautifully mannered, unmistakably adult and more than 10 years younger than you are.

--Adopt a stunning 16-year-old of either gender for the duration of your visit.

--Do not characterize as abnormal any sexual practice of which you may not have heard.

--Do not wear a bathing suit in the hot tub.

--Bring along a good book.

--Remember that shoes are more satisfying than men.

Here are some existential questions you might want to consider if you have to be in Los Angeles more than occasionally:

If you wanted to buy property in Beverly Hills and have never had cosmetic surgery, would you have to file an environmental impact statement?

If you are not young, beautiful or have a television series, are you allowed to eat at Spago’s?

Can a nice personality compensate for Ethel Merman arms, or do you need a screen credit too?

Are those ordinary-looking women in aspirin and Geritol commercials imported from Barstow?

To get by in Los Angeles, it is necessary to forget much of what life, and your mother, have taught you. A woman who wears high heels with shorts at a business meeting is not necessarily a tramp, and nice girls who never put themselves in positions they might have to apologize for later rarely get out of – or into – a good hotel,. Refraining from asking personal questions of people whose last names you do not know is not considered an indication of good breeding here, merely proof that you are either (a) not listening; or (b) not a caring person.

Many of your most cherished beliefs may be shaken by even a brief exposure to the city. There, a feminist who has had a facelift is not a contradiction in terms, and your good black dress and pearls are a fashion statement only at Forest Lawn, and even there, only between Labor Day and Memorial Day. It is true that if you act like a lady you will be treated like one, which means that drives will run you down, hairdressers will never be able to work you in and you will rarely be invited to the really good parties.

It is possible to be in L.A. without being of L.A. – in fact, that may be the only way to survive there. You may have to alter your normal behavior and ignore wisdom that is, in other places, conventional. You can manage for at least a month without taste, breeding, inner grace or red meat if you have to. The real risk is to your girlish idealism. Yes, Virginia, there may be places where there are no limits on what a smart woman is not afraid of hard work can accomplish. There may even be places where you will find men who appreciate a woman with a sense of humor. However, none of these places are within a day’s drive of Los Angeles.


xx, Teal