What I miss about being younger, aside from the head-turning thing, is that I am too fragile to do risky things. I can’t skydive, or go down water park slides, without the thought that I might break something. Also ads that promise mind-blowing adventures or career moves that sound fabulous are beyond my reach and I know I will never anymore bow to a rapt (I assume they would be rapt) audience on a concert stage, or win a Pulitzer, or any of the stuff I dreamed of when I was 12.

The only time I performed to an arranged audience (other than playing at parties) was when I was 17 and it was a recital put on by my then piano teacher, the one I had from the age of 12 and before I went to Chicago Musical College and way, way before I connected with international piano genius Sophie Feuermann.

I played the first movement of the Beethoven Pathetique sonata and a friend of my teacher’s, a professional musician she had invited, told her I had promise. I was to have been the last on the program, an honor. But when I got to the recital hall, my teacher apologized and told me that this spot had been given to a fellow student who was to perform his own, by-God, composition. The composition, I say without bias, was a piece of infantile crap. But he was a male, he was Greek (so was I and also my teacher) and in this culture, a penis trumps all. I was far and away better than this guy. If I’d had the guts, I would have walked out. But I had worked very hard and I wanted to perform. I wish she was still alive so I could write her and tell her off. (It's interesting how some pain just hangs on.)

As for my well-being, I recently stopped taking a pricey protein supplement, and replaced it with energy products like Boost, and I thought I was doing okay, but, slowly, I returned to daily fatigue. So I am back on it and we’ll see. Also I now have a racing heart that comes randomly, even without exertion, so I had a Holter monitor overnight and am waiting for the results. When I feel okay I still do my workouts. No pain, reasonable heart rate considering the effort and goes to normal within a minute when I stop. So I have no idea what the tachycardia is all about.

I weaned myself off of baby aspirin a few days ago because I was not thrilled when I was getting huge bruises that were not the result of trauma. They tell me this is not unusual. But I think bruising can be dangerous as in when blood coagulates, a piece breaks off and travels to your brain.

After I returned to the medical facility yesterday morning to have the monitor removed, I went to a lab down the street so they could take blood that my endocrinologist asked for. We're checking thyroid too. I left no. 707 and looked for no. 428. But within two blocks I was at no. 219 and no lab. So I turned around and found myself at Cape Coral Hospital where all the parking spaces were reserved for the disabled and doctors. I found a space a long way from the entrance and considered it a good way to get in some exercise. I went in to ask the receptionist for directions. I also called an 800 number on the Lab order sheet and got their rep in Seattle. She could only give me general advice and didn’t know from cross streets.

It took me 40 minutes to locate this stupid lab because Cape Coral arbitrarily decides it will begin numbering anew wherever it feels like it. The lab was in the back of a mall and can’t be easily seen from the street. I also got honked at when I changed lanes suddenly. Hey, I’m not perfect. Finding a location is made more difficult by the many man-made canals so you can be looking for a street number and the numbering continues again after the canal, if you can find that street.

I have a free wellness visit coming up in 10 days -- another opinion is always welcome. It is part of my new Medicare Advantage plan the New York Times switched me to because they save money on it. I don’t like these plans but transferring back to Medicare means I would have to pay for a medigap plan that The Times is no longer offering separately and it was only $40 a month. Screwed.

I don’t like the vulnerability I feel and am looking for a way to get back to baseline. I got to be 83 when I wasn’t looking and that’s better than the alternative, but it isn’t for sissies. Incidentally I’m still doing ballet jumps during my good days. Go figure.

My mind, however, appears to be sound, be sound, be sound ... where was I?

xx, Teal