This is about me bumping another car's bumper in the BJ's parking lot three weeks ago.I checked for damage, none, so I moved the car and went shopping without leaving my information. A vigilante phoned the police.

The officer called it an e felony. I Googled it and could find no reference to an e felony in this county or anywhere else. It seems not to exist.

Ed told me he would make a few remarks at the beginning of the process. That worried me some. Meanwhile, Ed spoke to the lawyer he works with on guardian issues, and she referred him to another lawyer who deals with matters like this.

The lawyer, Jason G, phoned and we had a lengthy conversation. He told me first off that the appearance would deal only with a plea. Ed doesn’t get to talk, I don’t get to tell my story. The magistrate doesn’t want to hear it. The only things he wants is a plea. If I say “guilty”, he imposes a sentence, or a fine, or orders community service, whatever, and it goes on my license.

If I plead “not guilty” which is what I was advised to do, the magistrate sets a trial date and the entire process goes through all the agonies of a trial and will take months and a lawyer and fees.

Jason also said I should not have been cited at all, because the citation clearly stated there was no damage. In other words, a non incident. Jason also said he could handle the whole thing, have the entire thing go away and not appear on my license, and I would not even have to appear August 4th because it would all be handled out of court. His charge for this miracle is $1500. That is two zeros following the 15 and before the decimal point. So Ed said okay (you don’t need to know what else he said.)

The lawyer’s litany of what could go wrong would frighten anyone and everyone. You are not dealing with the law, you are dealing with the ones enforcing it and they are a mixed bag, some certifiably insane. The magistrate could think I remind him of his sister, who broke their mother's heart and eloped with her uncle. (This happened to a friend of a friend -- the charismatic older uncle eloped with his niece, took her to Greece and became Mr. Over control, and eventually she managed to leave him and come back. Aren't you glad you asked).

Jason kept reassuring me, while enumerating the hazards, that my case did not have the elements that would lead to such draconian consequences. Getting mired in the sometimes faulty grinding of the wheels of “justice” is something I am antsy about. I don’t entirely trust the system. Innocence has nothing to do with it.

At the end of the entire process, a friend told me, I am entitled to get the name of the person who phoned the police. Yes, I want to have that name. I am not planning to do anything with it in real terms, just maybe write it on a piece of paper, mutter a pithy incantation that I will compose,and burn it while laughing maniacally. Don't knock it. Such idle nonsense has healing powers.

The motivation of the vigilante is murky in my mind. Was he just a self-righteous asshole? Did he know the owner of the Kia? Did he think he would be a big hero because then his friend could get insurance money? Was he showing off for his teen-age son, that he sent into the market to find me and tell me "some people want to see you up front" and then disappear? Who was that masked adolescent? The incident was not in the vigilante's line of sight. He could only infer there was damage. I sent my insurance company a copy of the citation which clearly states there was no damage to the Kia. The owner will be denied. So he'll get nothing out of this nasty business.

I was wearing my dark blue scrubs pants the day this happened. The only other time I have worn them, I was run down by the car when crossing Pine Island Road on foot. This eerie coincidence has me spooked and I am not wearing them again, or mabye just around the house. It’s good this particular pair is not my favorite.

xx, Teal