Are you familiar with the song by Abba? The Winner Takes It All?

That song had significant meaning for me in the summer of 2003. Each and every time I hear it, I am reminded of pain, strength, courage and ultimately ... victory.

In order to know my victory, you must know my past.

The divorce of my ex-husband and I became final in the summer of 1998. We used one lawyer, his cousin, to finalize everything. For the most part, things were pretty amicable between us and we were agreeable on things.

Our custody agreement regarding the three children was vague to say the least, but since my ex and I got along well, visitation was never an issue with us. We always worked well together when it came to our kids.

I re-married in the summer of 1999 to the wonderful man I am still married to today. We bought a house a few blocks away from the marital house that I shared with my ex-husband. It was a near perfect situation for the children.

My ex-husband, new husband, and I all got along better than expected. We could sit next to one another to cheer on our oldest daughter at hockey games. My ex-husband would pick me up for parent teacher conferences. He and I could have lunch together and talk on the phone.

I got on well with all my ex-in-laws too. My two best friends are the wives of my ex-husbands brothers. We are still friends to this day. (The trouble that these relationships cause is fodder for another post another day, lol)

I even have a picture of my two youngest children at an Easter Egg hunt with their Dad and Step-Dad helping them open the eggs.

Ahhhh.... those were truly the days indeed.

Then something horrible happened to us in the fall of 2002.


My ex-husband met his 2nd wife.

And when I say "All Hell broke loose"... well... that doesn't even begin to define what happened.

This chick was like a tornado. She was a Mother of all Mother nature disasters. She literally destroyed things in a matter of minutes, leaving a path of destruction in her path.

She deemed my "friendly" relationship with my ex-husband inappropriate. She deemed my relationship with my ex-in-laws inappropriate. She deemed my relationships with my ex-brother-in laws, their wives, cousins, Aunt's, Uncles, ... well EVERYONE ... inappropriate. I got so sick of hearing that damn word, inappropriate. I still don't like the word and rarely use it.

Unfortunately, some of the ex-family, key members, like my ex-husband, his parents and grandparents started to abide by her perceptions of our situation.

So, needless to say... my ex-husband wasn't allowed to talk to me, not allowed to sit by me, not allowed to call me. My ex-husbands parents weren't allowed to have contact with me.

Things started to get hard for our kids too. Especially our oldest daughter who was then a teenager.

Here we are in a 50/50 custody arrangement. Our oldest daughter was on a travel hockey league, sometimes spending weekends away for games and tournaments. All three of our kids are still young enough to need parental supervision. They are all involved in sports, church, etc and the two parents can't speak to one another?

When communication is halted... trouble is sure to follow.

Somewhere in the midst of my ex-husband's non-communications with me, during the summer of 2003, ... he up and MOVED 23 miles away from me, while I was on a family vacation with the kids. My ex-sister-in-law/best friend literally called me the morning we were packing the car up to tell me that my ex-husband just called her husband to help him move. WHAT???

My husband and I were taking the kids to Tennessee for a family vacation and my ex-husband was moving like a theif in the night. My kids didn't even know. My ex and his "girlfriend" packed up all the kids things (including the picture of me that my little girl, who was just 7 at the time, hid under her pillow at night, at Dad's) And when my kids got back from vacation with me, they no longer had the home they once had, a few blocks from Mommy. They never got to say goodbye. He forgot to take the path stones with our children's hand prints in them from the back yard.

Eventually, during that summer, my ex-husband called my house to "tell me" he was enrolling the children in the school district of his new home.

"OH NO YOU'RE NOT!!! You've gone too far this time."

Our oldest daughter had one more year of high school. I was a stay at home Mom, driving my kids to school every day and picking them up after school. They would stay with me after school on their Dad's over-nights until he got off work at 5:00pm. I saw my kids everyday. More importantly, my kids saw me, everyday.

My ex literally thought he could get away with this?? What a moron.

I hired a real good attorney and filed lawsuits that summer. One was to keep the kids in their current school district. One was for full custody of our oldest daughter. One was for child support of our oldest daughter. (This would be the first time, in 5 years that I would ever file for child support from him)

Once the court battle's ensued, things got very very ugly. My ex-husbands original lawyer, his cousin, refused to represent him. He had to get a new lawyer... and pay for it this time too.

The law was on my side for all lawsuits. You can't move children that you share joint physical custody of, to a new school district. And 16 year olds have the right to live with whichever parent they want to. And when 16 year olds live full time with one parent, then the other parent has to pay child support.

Simple.

But that summer was very difficult and painful. It seemed like I was going to court every other week.

Eventually, the cases were all decided in my favor. The kids stayed at the school district near my house for the next year so that our oldest could graduate from the district she'd been going to since 1st grade. I consented to let the two youngest kids go to the school district where their Dad lives the following year. (That is why I have a 23 mile drive to take the kids to school, but I have good reasons for consenting to the change in districts and don't mind) The judge stated that our oldest daughter would live with me full time. My ex-husband had to pay me $3,000.00 in child support arreages for her and an additional $627 a month until she graduated from high school. Most of the money went to my attorney anyway, but I didn't care. It was never about the money. It was about making the point that "we" (ex-husband and I) are and always will be the parents of these kids. Nobody gets to make unilateral decisions regarding their welfare.

I think he got my point. We haven't been back to court since.

The Winner Takes It All became my theme song that summer.