23 July 2009

Yes, Here We Go Again:

I’ve been in a bit of a denial phase for the last week or so.  I’ve just refused to think about it, so it has kinda hit me hard today.

I’m sure most of y’all are wondering just what the heck I’m rambling about, so here it is:

Last week M had her annual mammogram along with her usual physical. Since we lost her mother to breast cancer she has been getting a mammogram since she was 30 years old. Two years ago we had a scare. Luckily it was only an enlarged lymph node even though it freaked us out at the time. You know, all the “not knowing” stuff that happens.

Well here we go again. This time it’s the same breast and she is going to have an ultrasound done on it to see what the abnormality is. But we have to wait until the 31^st to get it done. So that just gives me more time to freak out about it.

A Short Story:

I know I have told this story before, but not if I have told it here to y’all or not. But back when M and I were going through our pre-marriage counseling, the minister asked me what my biggest fear was in regards to my relationship with M. I told him that it was losing her to death.

I know this is a bit irrational, because no one can know the time of their death or how it will occur. It may be right now, or it could be 80 years from now. But I am not sure if I could survive losing her. Oh, I would never commit suicide or anything like that, but I don’t think my mind would be able to go on. I would always be stuck in that time and place.

M and I once spoke of this several years ago, and she asked me if I would ever get married again if she were to die. I told her no. She said she wanted me to fall in love again and find someone that I could be happy with if she were to die. She wanted me to be happy.

I told her that my love for her consumed everything in me. If she were to die, so much of me would die too. I don’t think there would be enough left to give to another, or that I’d even take the risk of being hurt that way again.

I don’t know why it has hit me so hard today of all days. We’ve know about this since last Saturday and I really haven’t thought about it until now.

Aw hell. I gotta keep it together and present a strong front so I can be the good “moron” support. Ha. Ha. *sigh*

I’m Alive… So Far…