So, everyone knows that the American Boy, Don, is coming to spend my birthday and Easter weekend (by the way! What’s up with you Americans not getting any time off for the weekend?! That’s just plain not fair! If I have to suffer through four solid days of the kids being home from school, you should, too!!) here in Janet Land. * And * I just learned that the American Boy will not be leaving until Tuesday! Let’s all take a moment, shall we, before we proceed with the rest of the post….

Ahem….

HOORAY!! YIPPEE!! YAY!!

Alright then…where was I?

Oh yes…

Now even a liberal, crazy, slightly punk rock household like the K one has a few rules and regulations that everyone who enters needs to follow and what better time than now to state the rules and regulations of Janet Land? I mean, what if all of you decide that it’s a great fucking idea to come and stay with me, too, after Don posts an article on the adventures we had here in Janet Land? You’ll need a head’s up, that’s for sure. And I’m pretty sure that Don reads my blog (only if it’s not “too fucking long”, though, right sweetheart?! Ha!) so this can serve as his reminder, too.

Now I do realize that this isn’t Don’s first visit to Janet Land. We all remember January’s adventure, don’t we? But here’s the thing (good old fashioned * wink *)… during that adventure, we didn’t actually spend all that much time here in Janet Land headquarters (AKA my house). Oh, he visited with Rock and the kids and he held Michael and fed him a bit and annoyed me by watching football, but the bulk of our time together was spent holed up in a hotel room with the worst fucking comforter ever in the history of comforters and no windows and a very patronizing hostess. And it was hot! Remember how hot it was, Don? I forgot about that….

But I digress…

My point is that during this Janet Land adventure, we will be spending pretty much all of our time at my house. So, it’s time for the rules and regulations to be brought to light.

Here we go…in a most official sounding voice….ahem….

Janet Land Rules and Regulations

Rule #1:

Don’t look under the bed. I’ll probably clean before you arrive because I have a tiny little square of pride left in me somewhere. In fact, I’ve already cleaned my bedroom! That was no small feat, let me tell you! A couple month’s worth of crap was scattered around and piled on top of the dresser and the computer desk, never mind what discoveries I made while cleaning off my nightstand! But I never clean under the bed. Under my bed there is a whole slew of treasures…everything from my placemat collection to a basket full of letters and notes and mementoes and a bunch of stuff in between. Don’t bother looking under there, okay? It will just scare you and embarrass me.

Rule #2:

Don’t discipline my children unless I expressly give you permission to do so. This bothers me to no end. I can’t stand it when someone who really has no authority decides to speak sharply to one of my girls or decides to “teach them a lesson”. I’m the Mom. (Hey! Whatever happened to “IamTheMom” anyway?! Terry! Where are you?!). It’s my job, not yours. The only exception to this rule, of course, is if one of the children are in danger or I’m not around. But that is the * only * exception. If they are bothering you or doing something you think is inappropriate, come and tell me and I assure you, I will take care of it.

Rule #3:

Don’t ask, “What’s up with all the angels?”. I like them. Get over it. And furthermore, don’t say, “You sure do like colour, eh?” Yes, I do. I hate white walls. There aren’t any white walls in my house for a reason. However, I wouldn’t come over to your house and say, “You sure do like white, eh?” so don’t point out my love of colour to me.

Rule #4:

No football. No exceptions.

Rule #5:

You’re going to have to watch kid’s shows. This isn’t so much a rule or regulation as much as it is a warning. The TV is usually set to Treehouse or YTV or TVOKids and I know that it sucks, but it goes with the territory. And sometimes, some of the shows are actually kind of funny…but that mostly happens after you’ve watched far too much of it. Regardless, it’s best to just tune it out or try to take an active interest in it. I’ve gone with tuning it out and have found it to be a much more pleasant route to take. Likewise, you’re going to have to watch shitty movies with them, too. “High School Musical” is big right now….just tune it out…just tune it out.

Rule #6:

When the baby is sleeping, try to be quiet. Please.

Rule # 7:

Don’t make a fuss about baby poop. I can’t stand people who get all worked up about changing a shitty diaper. We all did it at some point, after all! And we’re all probably going to do it again before we meet our maker! Don’t hold your nose, say you can’t take the smell or worst of all, flat out refuse to change the diaper by handing the baby back to me and saying, “Oh you’re Mommy’s boy now!!” Fuck you. That just makes me want to force you to change his pants. We all know of at least one or two men who managed to avoid ever changing a diaper by saying that they have a weak stomach. That’s bullshit. I’d like to know why I know some Daddies like that but have never met a Mommy able to get out of changing a diaper because of a weak stomach. Suck it up and get over it.

Rule #8:

When the baby isn’t sleeping, speak up. You’re going to have to loud in this house if you want to be heard. Nobody understands the concept of an “indoor voice” and unless you learn to bitch and complain like the rest of us, I’ll never hear you.

Rule #9:

My house is perpetually messy and even a little bit dirty. There are four people plus a baby who live here and it’s a never ending battle. Like I mentioned up in Rule #1, I will clean before you arrive, but it’s bound to go downhill after a few minutes of everyone being home. I used to be really anal retentive about cleaning and even border on Obsessive Compulsive when it comes to neatness but with the arrival of three children and a husband who hasn’t hit the laundry basket since the nineties, it’s out of my control. Please remind yourself when you see dust on the baseboards that I’m trying my best.

Rule # 10:

Relax. We’re probably the most laid back people you’ve ever met. Pretty much anything goes in this house and I want you to have * fun *. I want you to be comfortable. Help yourself to anything, don’t bother asking or tip toeing around….the more laid back and mellow you are, the better. And in all honesty, these rules aren’t even really that important. I sound so assertive, don’t I? The truth is that I don’t actually give a shit.

Except for the rule about the football. I meant that one.