R.R.

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itsjustme
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R.R.
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Itsjustme

Life & Events > Things to Change ...
 

Things to Change ...

Because I couldn't find a subject to write about I read Martin's post again and choose one of his suggestions.
Its probably not the easiest one but I will give it a try. I choose for things I want to improve about my self.
Some of you read my blogs for quite some time and for those friends there wont be much new things I will write down I guess.
I sometimes feel a bit of a softy now and then. I want to be nice and friendly too long towards others and that's something what bothers me now and then. Its something I have to deal with all my life already and it will be hard to change.
As you might know my tasks at work changed quite a bit. I had a very good relationship with a colleague but that relationship did change. Senior management wanted me to take over some tasks which I accepted after long thinking but it made my friendship a lot "colder". Also cause by changing rooms, but mainly caused about my new tasks. He will not admit it but I think that is the main reason. We still talk to eachother but there is more distance between us.
Another thing I would want to change is a bit more complicated. Actually its the number 1 item I want to change but I don't have the guts for it. I am married for 25 years, raised 3 great kids and I am very happy with that. But there is more. I always had bisexual feelings but I, caused by several reasons, always have put them away. My father always was a very anti-gay person and I think that is one of the main reasons I never talked about it. Silly perhaps but, introvert as I am, it was for me too difficult to talk about. Last 3 years, made possible by the internet, I permitted myself to accept those feelings more and more. Martin always said that he cant understand bisexuality and that it actually means you are gay. Well, perhaps that is right. I actually created a "secret life" I think which sometimes is not easy to deal with. On the other hand it makes it possible for me to talk about these things with some good e-friends and that feels good too. Maybe one day I will be able to come out with it, I only can hope that. By the way it doesn't mean I feel unhappy, that certainly not. But to say I am happy for the full 100 % ........ I have learned to deal with it.
Perhaps will be continued....

posted on Apr 2, 2008 1:09 AM ()

Comments:

Gosh... I can't imagine the inner struggle you must feel! I'm sure someday when the time is right, you'll find enough strength within yourself to be true to who you are. You are not gutless... talking about your secret life openly -- even if it is with online friends -- is a great first step! Best of luck! (BTW, Martin suggested that I check our your blog as I'll be heading to Amsterdam for a couple days in the fall. He said you might have some good advice, insight, etc... )
comment by mellowdee on Apr 4, 2008 3:11 PM ()
This post hit something inside of me. I hope you find the inner peace and happiness you are searching for in your life.
comment by mattguru18 on Apr 4, 2008 3:00 PM ()
Being happy is this world is really difficult. So many people fantasize that if only this or that would happen, they could be happy. Maybe. I just don't know. Happiness has eluded me most of my life. I seem to be star-crossed.
comment by redimpala on Apr 2, 2008 10:43 AM ()
I always feel a bit like a fool not having the guts.....
comment by itsjustme on Apr 2, 2008 10:25 AM ()
Thx for the comment Fredo.
comment by itsjustme on Apr 2, 2008 10:23 AM ()
I was married for twenty years before I came out.
Now I feel so relaxed and so much better.
Took me a long time to identify who I was or what I was.
Hmmmmm.Not sure about that
I do not called myself a bi sexual because I was married.
Do not have an intention to the opposite sex.
Happy the way I am and my only wish that I should not have
gotten married.But things turned out this way.
comment by fredo on Apr 2, 2008 9:47 AM ()
'that it actually means you are gay.' I didn't quite say that-- more like I never heard of a 'bisexual man' running off with a women.
Many men don't 'come out' until their 50s and 60s--look at my friend Allen--married, had kids, etc. and then came out in his early 60s.
By the same token this may all be a fantasy in your head--that if you gave into your gay feelings the whole world would be perfect--it just may be the same.
In spite of what 'they' think we aren't recruiting straight men to be gay but for all people to be happy with who they are.
Gay, straight, bi or whatever I still love you and it has nothing to do with sex--it's your appreciation for food!!!
comment by greatmartin on Apr 2, 2008 8:47 AM ()
Secret lives and desires are very difficult, I'm sure. I hope that one day you will be able to achieve your dream and be happy 100%. Of course, you do realize that that kind of happiness is very rare. Even when we are content, there are those moments of depression and self doubt.
comment by angiedw on Apr 2, 2008 3:44 AM ()

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