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Residual Christmas Thoughts
Residual Christmas Thoughts
And So This Is Christmas…the song by John Lennon. Ever get the feeling that the lyrics were written by Yoko? I mean, "And so this is Christmas/ I hope you have fun / Another year over / A new one begun". It just doesn’t seem to be up to his standards.
Christmas morning, Mary and I went to brunch at Rich and Mel’s house. (Rich is Mary’s son, and Melanie is his wife.)
Christmas dinner was at our house. My daughter Erin brought the prime rib, and she and Mary cooked it.
My mother came. ( She is invited every year, and she is expected not to show up. She has NEVER showed up in the past. She always accepts the invitation and then never comes. And that is fine. I prefer her not to be there, and inviting her relieves some strange guilt that I feel about my "neglect" of her.)When I saw her pull into the driveway, I felt the fear and anger rise in my body. I immediately flashed back to childhood memories of being beaten and humiliated by her. I literally felt chills running down my spine when I saw her get out of her car.
But I was good. I was polite.
As I watched her come up the walk to the house, I realized that she was no longer the ogre who towered over me, laughing as she beat me with anything she could get her hands on. She had grown old and fat and pathetic. She’s lonely now. She has no friends, and no family visits her. And, though I could not find any sympathy for her anywhere in my body, I found that I could tolerate her.
I wish her no ill will, I just don’t want her in my life anymore. I would like her to be happy, but I would like her to be happy some place where I am not.
The house was filled on Christmas with my mother, my son Scott, his fiancee Sandy, my daughter Erin and my two granddaughters – Alyssa (7 years old) and Lainie (5 years old.)
It felt so good and so warm, and Mary and I were SO happy and content!
There was so much love there! So much peace and SO MUCH FAMILY.
It’s funny that the older I get, the more family means to me.
And, it struck me as I looked over the scene, that not one of these people, except for my mother (who doesn’t count), is a blood relative of mine. I don’t have biological children. I’m the end of the blood line.
But this is my family, and these are these are MY kids, and these are MY grandkids! And I love them all with my whole heart, and they love me back. And they all live within a twenty mile radius of my house.
Now, as some of you know, I am a recovering sufferer of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I have had a good handle on it for years, but I am still a neat freak. I have a hard time with clutter.
When everybody left on Christmas night, I walked through the house, and it looked like a bomb went off in every room. The kitchen had stacks of cleaned and dirty dishes. The living room floor was covered with shredded wrapping paper. The TV room had toys scattered everywhere.
Mary Ellen walked up to me as I was taking it all in, and I could see just a touch of anxiety in her eyes. I looked at her and said, "What a mess!"
She stiffened and nodded.
Then I hugged her as hard as I could and said, "What a huge, warm, wonderful mess!"
I loved it.
For the first time in my life, I didn’t want to clean things up. I wanted to leave it all as it was to remind me of what a fantastic time it was!
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Happy New Year, everybody.
posted on Dec 30, 2008 8:41 AM ()
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I'm glad that you were able to tolerate your mother and that her presence didn't taint your enjoyment of the evening. Interesting that she decided to show up this year. Maybe she's learning some late lessons in life...?
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