OH I have no doubt that all those things are real. I have no false assumptions that anything that has happened to Jennifer has been staged. She isn't a little girl that is vying for attention and will do anything or say anything to get it. I just don't understand the psychological disconnect that allows women like her to rationalize. Nor do I think they should be held without compassion.

Personally, I think they should be treated like addicts. Continually doing something that is obviously unhealthy is addictive behavior, and she MUST be getting something out of it.

Like I said before, there are very few women that I've known who have been in abusive relationships. But I've HAVE seen them. I've seen a black eye, welts around the wrist. I've seen all the verbally abusive messages erased from a blackberry, I've seen cell phones stolen and cars that suddenly get themselves 'broken down.' SO I know those types of men exist. And while I don't pretend to understand their motivation for being total pricks, I cannot FATHOM the motivation of the women who stay with them.

One of Laura's friends used to be married to a man like this. She is a beautiful, funny, caring woman, and while she was married she was simply not allowed to leave her house. Her husband would disable her car engine to make sure she would never go out. He didn't want other men to see her.

As far as Jennifer goes, I know her. Not well, but enough to know she's not stupid. I am a very smart man, but I still find myself doing stupid things from time to time. Repeatedly. And my self introspective usually leads to the question, "WHY are you so DUMB?!" Asking the mirror.

The only one that can really help her, is her.

As you may be aware, a year or so ago, we (my family & I) had a round with my youngest daughter's sociopathic ex-boyfriend. He seemed to enjoy roughing her up. However, we soon found out that he was a...a...well, my oldest daughter told me that I'm not allowed to use this word any more, so let's just say that he was a "p-word." I'm one of the people he had threatened to kill, yet he was terrified of me, because he knew that I had no problem standing up to him.
Anyway, I hope your friend finds her way out this relationship safely, and then moves right on into some strong counseling so that she never finds herself in this position again.

I thought of something else. . . . I hope it's not too insulting.

Some women stay with abusive partners sustained with a memory of how things used to be.

Hanging on to a moldy loaf of bread will not sustain a person. Once the mold starts growing, no matter how good the bread used to be, it will only grow more mold and become less nurturing.

Jim,

I come from an old-fashioned home. My grandfather's house was a good place to grow up if you wanted to learn a more dated set of values. Dated, but not OUT-dated. Among these is an intense respect for women. I cannot stand wife-beaters and the idea of laying hands on a woman in the way sickens me.

I have only been exposed to a very few men who habitually hit women. This is probably a good thing, because I wouldn't want to spend so much of my time fighting.

I have to confess, though, that I do not understand the compulsion. The compulsion that brings women back to any relationship that is clearly unhealthy. And you cannot get much more unhealthy than being physically abused. I have never been able to understand the psychological disconnect that gives women the idea that anything less than what they deserve is a desirable situation. And everyone deserves to be happy. to find the person that makes them jump up and down with excitement at the prospect of them getting home from work.

Some women either think it's normal, think it's what they deserve, hate themselves, or are so scared of giving up the good times they DO have with that person that they rationalize the beatings. They think a warm body is better than no body at all.

They are wrong.

I also see things in my daughter that I am afraid of. She is a trauma junkie. It's hard to know, and we are doing everything we can to try and raise her self esteem to the point when she cares about herself enough. She sees situations and cultivates them to keep herself a victim and thrives on the sympathy and attention she receives as a result. We are able to recognize this behavior and try to eliminate it, but it isn't easy. For her or for us.

I see this same kind of attitude in the few women I know of who have been abused. They hate the idea of being out of control but gravitate to vices and aspects of life that remove control from them. And the attention and sympathy and embraces they subsist on are the bright spots in their lives. The problem with that is they cannot get to those bright spots without first being traumatized.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm pompous. But you can see it, if you would look.

How frustrating it is to have the knowledge and experience to know where it will lead, and to have it fall on deaf ears. I'm not saying I blame the victim, but after so many incidents, I feel like there has to be something the woman is getting out of it. Some people are hooked on having drama in their life. It's exciting and it gets people's attention. The Jenifers out in the world may not necessarily enjoy the drama, but may enjoy the attention and sympathy it is guaranteed to get them from other people. Also, the world is full of beautiful, deserving, women who don't feel worthy of better.

I have a very good friend who is still going to marry a man that smashed her son's head through a wall, and strangled her and punched her face, and has tampered with her car every now and then so she can't leave home. She is beautiful, and extremely intelligent, but thinks she's already invested 4 years into this man and doesn't want to have wasted her time. She was also arrested for not testifying against him in her own case, he spent 6 months in jail for what he did to her, and he blames her for his jail time. I love her and after so much time, and the universe hitting her over the head with signs that he's not the one, it's hard to not get angry with her. I know she knows better.

I know Jennifer knows better, too. And like I said, I'm not blaming the victim, but it's hard for me to not get mad. Beat me once, shame on you. Beat me twice, shame on me. When she is finally ready to be totally in charge and responsible for her own life, instead of letting her life be a series of events that keeps happening to her, she will get out. And, oh, what a force to be reckoned with she will be then. She will be amazing.
I sincerely hope she has enough time left to get to that point.

Women stay usually because they have been convinced by the man involved that he will harm her, her children, her parents, her job, her car, her possessions and most likely he will do all of those things. As long as there are men who express themselves with rage disorder that is completely out of control, there will be women stupid enough to believe things will change. They mostly are too terrified to make a move.

Things never change. The beatings get worse, the children become victims, and finally the woman is killed. Then it takes about five years to get to trial and the guy, IF convicted, is sentenced to twenty-five years, which amounts to about six years actually served. Then he goes out and finds a new victim.

A good shelter will send you out of state to another shelter, if they have the money to do so. Please check with the local women's shelter to see what they need this time of year. There are always more victims than they can serve.

This won't stop until we, as a society, make it stop. No more yelling at women, no more slapping and punching women, no more accepting behavior like that in a friend. Shunning men who batter is the very best form of social control. Right after locking them up and throwing away the key.

You are so right, Jim. These women are just one rage away from death. Thank goodness, I have never been in a relationship with an abusive man; but I can tell you this. A man raises a hand against me, it's over. I wouldn't tolerate it even for an instant. I don't know why they keep going back--low self-esteem maybe. It is beyond me.

We stay with them because they need us. Not just as a punching bag but they lost something somewhere along the line and we keep trying to make up for it. I attract those kind of men, always have. I'm a nurturer. And, sorry to say an enabler. I've been married for 18 years now and let me tell you I had his happy ass thrown in jail for months, I was going for a divorce the whole nine. He went for anger management classes and spousal abuse classes and to this very day that man will yell at the top of his lungs but he will never raise a hand to me again. Overnight in the hoosegow won't work, they need to know that if they want to be with you they have got to change and for some, like me, it works, for others they need new identities. There is an underground, it's not pleasant for the first few months but after it's all good. If Jennifer needs help, let me know. I wrote more than I should have but this is a very sore spot for me. Realize that she stays because she thinks he needs her and that in his passive moments he does love her more than she thinks she's worth. That's the bottom line!

I know that whatever I am made of, however I was raised and by the Grace of God, I would absolutely NEVER stand for any type of abuse. I've never once "drawn" that type of person to me, but I can't begin to know or understand a woman/person's mind that accepts and allows it. It's sad.

I hope your friend sees her boyfriend for what he is a (loser) like you said and gets away from him for good. I have a sister that went through this with one of her husband's. Thank God she got away and lived to tell about it.

I left an abusive relationship for my daughter. I didn't want her raised believing that that is how men treat women. I had to put him in jail though to do it.

I'll make it brief:

I couldn't agree more. It's such a horrible thing to watch. My younger sister was in an abusive relationship for almost 10 years. I didn't like Charlie before I had even met him (and I give *everyone* a chance.) In fact, my folks in poor judgement actually let him move in with us for a while, which is why I moved out on my own before graduation. I couldn't stand him. Over the years I'd watch her break up with him and then immediately go back to him because he always begged forgiveness. He had it so ingrained in her head that she was a worthless piece of skin, that she really believed that she couldn't do any better than him... and so the cycle continued. It was unbelievably frustrating. I tried to help her escape from him a couple times, but she would always return and when she was with him, she wouldn't/couldn't talk about what was really going on behind closed doors... so that made it hard. Then, of all the stupid things she could do, she intentionally got pregnant. (Don't get me wrong, b/c I love my niece more than anything... but this was obviously not a wise move on my sister's part.) When she was 7 months along, he held a knife to my sister's throat. She called the police and he was admitted to the hospital. My niece is actually named after the nurse who "helped" him (or who I think his cheating heart simply had the hots for) during his all-too-brief 2 week stay. A year or so later my sister finally left him for good. She said she had to do it on her own time and on her own terms. It was in the middle of the night in the dead of winter, and she ran away with nothing but the clothes on her back and her daughter in her arms. She never said what the final straw was... but you'd think that when he risked her and her unborn child's life that would've been an ideal time. She could've easily packed up and left while he was in the hospital... but she didn't. She stayed for almost two more years. Unfortunately, he still had custody rights to see his daughter for the next couple years (my sister now has full custody), and there have since been some pretty clear signs that my niece suffered some mental and sexual abuse during her visits with him. Since then, he moved on to his next victim... a very slow, 18 year old girl (he's in his mid-30's), who he also abused and got pregnant. He went to jail for a while, but I believe he's out now, and no doubt looking for another target. I hate to admit that a part of me is p*ssed at my sister for not leaving him when she had the chance, so my niece wouldn't have been his victim as well, but what's done is done... Gosh, look at me go on and on and on... I guess what I really should say is your story touched a real chord with me. I'll never understand the logic of abused women either.

Co-Dependents...a sad, sad affliction. It seems that many had abusive upbringings, and consequently, abusive relationships is all they know. That is a sad, sad, story you told Jim. I certainly don't proclaim to know the really core reasons for these relationships, but I know other people who have had these that led to tragic endings...so sad...

I know of 5 women who have been abused and blog about it--and getting away from the abuse and the abuser--though it is mainly women who get abused there are many cases of women abusing men and same sex abuse, both male and female.
I, too, do not understand how a person stays in an abusive situation--verbal and/or physical.

I grew up a witness to domestic violence. I swore to myself I would never stand for that. and I made it clear to my husband if he ever laid a hand on me, he would live to regret that decision.
I think some women are so mentally abused that they believe this is what they deserve. it is not just the physical abuse that is going on, the mental aspects of it are just as damaging.
all I can suggest is continue to be there for your friend. perhaps she realize before its too late that she needs to get out of that relationship.

I totally agree. There is also the fact that even when women leave they end up murdered because the men are so pissed off that the woman left that they stalk her until they get her. Sure you can get a piece of paper that says stay away but in all reality, it's just a piece of paper. That is prolly a part of it. I have a cousin who is still with a man who beat her and threatened everyone in our family. She feels we are all safer if she stays with him even though we have ALL said differently. I have been with an abusive guy before, and while I can not tell you where my head was at, I felt that he loved me more than anyone else possibly could. I also felt that I was the only one who could help him and love him enough to help him. I could have pressed charges once and didn't. Why? I did't want to piss him off and I knew he didn't mean it.
It's a whacked out situation for sure. I hope Jennifer sees the light, although it's entirely possible that she won't.