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Addictions
If I were to believe most of the comments that people leave on my posts here at MyBloggers, I would have a very hard time thinking of myself as anything less than a perfect person. And then I remember that the readers here form their opinions of me by what I let them see. In this house that is my life, I only open certain doors and windows to let the outside world in. And some of those are only open a crack.
We human beings all have our flaws and failings. We all have our dark sides and secrets that we would just as soon not let the rest of the world see. Even Jesus struggled with tempations. Gandhi was often wracked with self-doubt.
And me? Well, I’ve got my problems too.
That is not to say that I don’t have good qualities. I do. I have a lot of them, but that’s not what this post is about. This post is about addictions. This post is about shame. About character flaws. (This post may never be published!)
Please know that this post is not a "pity party". (God! I hate that term!) This post is hopefully therapeutic. And it is not for you; it is for me. (When I was "in-house" for 28 days back in the eighties, one of my therapies was to simply admit that I had problems. When you go to AA or NA, the first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem.)
SOOOOOooooooOOOOOO…
I have an addictive personality, and, when my addictions get free rein, my appetite for them is voracious and pretty much insatiable. For example, when I smoked cigarettes, I didn’t just smoke a half pack or so a day. Nope. I was a three-pack-a-day person.
Same thing with food. Before I put myself on a strict exercise and eating-style regimen, I was a sight to behold – overweight with no muscle tone or stamina whatsoever and no control over my eating habits. None. I would order a large pizza and eat the entire thing myself at one sitting. Cookies? Literally a dozen at a time. I was super-sizing meals WAY before the big-shots at McDonald’s ever even thought up that money-making marketing scheme!
Drugs? Of course! All through high school and college. Marijuana, hash, LSD. They were a great way to escape…and I escaped often.
Sex was the same way. My appetite for sex was way over the top. And, if I couldn’t find somebody to have sex with…well. (Somebody once said that 95% of all men masturbate and the other 5 % are liars.)
Alcohol…Hmmmm, alcohol. The problem with alcohol is that it is so socially acceptable. You can buy it and drink it practically anywhere. Unlike being fat, doing drugs, smoking, or having sex, there are very few social taboos related to drinking alcohol as long as you are not being stumble-down drunk and obnoxious.
Am I an alcoholic? Chances are the answer is yes. Does it interfere with my work or my family life? No. Would I rather drink than eat? No. Do I get embarrassingly plastered, either in public or in private? No. Do I crave the stuff when I haven’t had it in a while? No. Do I need the stuff to have a good time? No.
But those of you who know me, in person or through this blog, know there is little doubt that I love the sudsy, amber liquid. The Main Street Pub in Willimantic is a favorite haunt of mine. Do I go there every night? No, but I’m there at least once a week, and, like Norm, everybody there knows my name.
Having a temper can also be considered a habit, I think. It can become a habitual and familiar way of dealing with frustrations and anger. Please understand that "feeling anger" and "having a temper" are two separate things. People who deal with anger by throwing temper tantrums don’t always see that. Anger is a viable emotion that most sentient creatures experience. Temper is a reaction to anger and hurt. In most cases, the throwing of a temper tantrum is a learned response.
I have had my temper under control for years. The explosions of the past are just that - part of the past. When my ire gets inflamed now, I handle it in a more civil manner. For example, I was reading justmyopinion’s blog post called "Politics or Religion…I’m Not Sure" the other day about how Obama is the spawn of the Devil. McCain, on the other hand, apparently is the God’s gift to the working man, who embodies all that good and sacred, mainly because he is in favor of continuing the killing in Iraq with no clear or defined goal in mind. (By the way, can somebody tell me how we are going to know if we "win" over there? What will be the defining moment?)
I tolerated the argument for quite a while. Right up to the point where justmyopinion mentioned that everybody who is left of center politically is a communist. I don’t know why that set me off, but it did.
Actually, I really don’t see anything wrong with communism in it’s pure state. Just like I see nothing wrong with Christianity. The trouble with both of these ideas is that they’ve never been practiced.
But anyway, I guess I saw his comment as an intended criticism.
Now, I like justmyopinion. I truly do. He is a sensible and sensitive man whom I wished lived closer to me. Some of my best friends are (shudder) Republicans! But here, he crossed the Limbaugh-ian line, and began name-calling. (Which, in my opinion, tends to drive two sides apart rather than unite them.) He one time asked me to stop referring to George W. at "that talking chimp in The Oval Office" because name-calling is childish and hurtful. (I agreed with him, and I have not used that imagery since.)
However, I wrote a comment about the "communism" remark on his post, and basically asked if he would mind if I started referring to conservatives as "the fascist right." If you read that comment, I think you will find it to be fair tempered and even-handed.
Such would not have been the case ten years ago. I would have ripped up one side of him and down the other, and then I would have felt bad about it afterwards.
(Please understand that I have NEVER been one for physical violence. My last fist fight was in the eighth grade, when Anthony Fama pushed me down and I threw two punches him. I really never needed physical violence. I found out that I could inflict much more damage with words.)
When I really get angry at somebody now, rather than resorting to rage, I simply walk away and write the individual off as somebody who is not worth my time and energy. Justmyopinion, however, is a worthy man who usually speaks his mind fairly graciously. He just happens to be wrong on most things political, like my friend Oombutu.
I have conquered my addiction to anger as I have conquered most of my addictions. However, I have stopped taking pride in these "achievements." People tell me what I strong person I am for having fought and won so many battles. In my opinion, if I was so damned strong, I wouldn’t have these battles to fight in the first place.
I view these things as huge disappointments in my life, and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and sorrow for the pain that my selfishness has caused others. (For the most part, that’s what addictions are. At least at the outset, they are simply selfish acts of self-gratification, and the addict expends little if any concern on how his actions effect the people around him.) I have hurt the most wonderful people in the world because of my selfishness.
With only a few exceptions, Mary Ellen has been touched by most of addictions. I have hurt her with them. I used to comfort myself and quell my guilt by telling myself that I’ve never done anything REALLY bad. I mean, I’ve never cheated on my wife, or killed anybody, or even hit anybody, except for Anthony.
While this may be true, I know that I have done enough to bring tears, anguish and mental hurt.
And yet Mary still sticks with me, always understanding. Always loving. Always willing to give me another chance.
I know that I love her more than anything else in the whole world. I also know that I am weak. I know that when I kick one addiction, it will just be replaced by another one sooner or later.
I have printed the two songs below on blogs in the past, but I’m printing them here because their lyrics ring so true with how I feel about myself so much of the time. I’ve often said that Randy Newman wrote these songs after he spent some time reading my mail.
MARIE
By Randy Newman
You looked like a princess on the night that we met
With your hair piled up high
I will never forget.
I’m drunk right now baby
But I’ve got to be
Or I never could tell you
What you mean to me.
I love you, and I loved you the first time that I saw you
And I always will love you, Marie.
You’re the song that the trees sing when the wind blows
You’re a flower. You’re a river. You’re a rainbow.
Sometimes I’m crazy, but I guess you know.
And I’m weak, and I’m lazy, and I hurt you so.
And I don’t listen to a word you say.
When you’re in trouble, I turn away.
But I love you, and I loved you the first time that I saw you,
And I always will love you, Marie.
I love you, and I loved you the first time that I saw you,
And I always will love you, Marie.
Â
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GUILTY
By Randy Newman
Yes baby, I’ve been drinking, and I shouldn’t come by, I know.
But I found myself in trouble, darling, and I had nowhere else to go.
Got some whiskey from the bar man.
Got some cocaine from a friend.
But I had to keep right on moving, darling, ‘til I was back in your arms again.
Baby, I’m guilty.
I’m guilty.
And I’ll be guilty all the rest of my life.
How come I never do what I’m supposed to do?
How come nothing that I try to do ever turns out right?
You know how it is with me, darling.
You know that sometimes I just can stand myself.
But it takes a whole lot of medicine, honey,
For me to pretend that I’m somebody else.
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Addictions are a daily struggle for me. Most of my friends would be surprised by this statement, because I think I do a fairly good job of fighting the addictions off in private. I work hard on positive energy. I work hard trying to channel the cravings into productive channels, like writing and acting and loving, rather than the destructive ones.
In spite of what a person who is reading this post and never read any other post in this blog might think, it is very important to me that people like me. Very important. And, like most people, I try hard to put my best foot forward.
However, every once in a while, I feel this need to remind myself what will happen if I stop fighting.
I hope you don’t mind that I shared this with you.
I know that I’m a good person. I know that I’m talented and funny and intelligent and fun to be around. I know that I’m compassionate and loving and caring. I not fishing for compliments here; I already KNOW all of those things. REALLY!
I’m not looking for comments to the contrary or compliments. (Shrinks I have been to in the past have told me that one way to combat the demons is to bring them out into the open. They die in the sunshine. They thrive in the gloom of a darkened mind.)
If you think less of me after reading this, that’s okay. I don’t blame you one damned bit.
This is me. This is not ALL of me, but this is definitely a part of who I am and what has shaped me into the person that I am today.
posted on Aug 25, 2008 5:58 AM ()
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