Q&A: HARVEY FIERSTEIN
By BARBARA HOFFMAN




March 23, 2008 -- Former 'Hairspray' diva dishes on alien Scientologists, why sex beats marriage and his quilt-making hobby
SHOULD his acting, writing and producing gigs ever dry up, Harvey Fierstein can always write ad copy.

"You'll laugh, you'll cry - you'll be home by 10 p.m." is how he's hawking "A Catered Affair," the new Broadway musical he co- produced, wrote the book for and stars in.

Based on the 1956 Paddy Chayefsky play turned Bette Davis film, it's about Fierstein's favorite subject: family, a theme the Tony winner has explored time and again, whether in drag ("Hairspray") or in a prayer shawl ("Fiddler on the Roof").

This time, the 55-year-old is playing the gay uncle (were you expecting maybe the Bette Davis role?) in this story of a Bronx clan torn between a fancy wedding and a new taxicab.

Over a plate piled high with pastrami at Junior's ("No carbs," he croaked, "I'm working!"), Harvey filled us in.

YOU MUST HAVE SEEN "HAIRSPRAY," THE MOVIE, BY NOW. THOUGHTS?

[Looking nauseated.] It was hard to watch - I think they missed the point. I'm very glad it made $100 million, or whatever it was. I'm the ghostwriter, so I get the checks. Send me the checks, John Travolta!

SO WHAT WAS IT LIKE, SEEING TRAVOLTA STEP INTO YOUR HIGH HEELS?

When I was a kid I saw "The Invasion of the Body Snatchers," and for months afterwards I was scared to go to sleep, that an alien would take over my body. And now I lived to see it happen. Don't Scientologists think they're aliens?

WE TAKE IT YOU'RE NOT IN THAT CHURCH.

I'm Jewish, but that's a race. We're not white people. People think it's a religion, and it's that, too, but we're not white. Ask any Ku Klux Klan member.

WHY TURN A CREAKY FLICK LIKE "A CATERED AFFAIR" INTO A MUSICAL?

That's why. I don't believe that you take something incredibly great and finished and then make something else out of it. I'm always asked to write a new version of "Stage Door." But that film is genius. You can't do better than that cast - Katharine Hepburn, Lucille Ball, Ginger Rogers, Ann Miller. Leave it alone! I saw "Catered Affair" and I loved how human it was. Paddy Chayefsky's like that. Think of "Marty." But "Marty" is perfect - a dance number isn't going to make it better. "A Catered Affair" had all this humanity and didn't quite go as far. I thought I could take it to the next level. Debbie Reynolds [one of the film's stars] came to our opening in San Diego and said, "Honey, it's a much better musical than it ever was a movie!"

YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN YOUR SHARE OF OVER-THE-TOP AFFAIRS.

You know, we didn't have any money, so my friends' affairs don't cost much. But years ago, my friend Judy Schwartz had her daughter's wedding at the Puck Building, and Judy's outfit - she knows this, so she won't kill me if I say so - I called it "the mother of the bride superhero." She had a beigey-gold cape that trailed behind her, a beigey-gold outfit and coat and hair dyed the same color.

THINK YOU'LL EVER MARRY?

No. I fight for the right for gay people to get married, absolutely. Because as anyone who's ever been divorced knows, marriage is really a bunch of laws about property. I just happen to have the world's worst taste in men. I do! They're wonderful men, but they're not marriage material. Nor am I. I get much too wound up in other people's lives . . . Sex is just better. For me! I've been very lucky that I've had some wonderful relationships in my life, and some really awful ones. So for the time being, I'm happy fooling around.

LAST WE HEARD, YOU SHARED YOUR HOME WITH ELVIS, THE RESCUE CAT. HAS YOUR

MENAGERIE GROWN?

I just got Elvis a kitten named Little S - - t. If "Catered Affair" is a hit, I'll adopt another dog. If it's not, I'll have to go back on the road. So tell Clive Barnes that a little puppy's life is in his typewriter!

PICKING hIS BRAIN

"I'm a Mets fan. It's like being a Democrat - it gets passed down."

"You don't grow out of the Mets. They play just well enough to break your heart. They don't play well enough to win - but to get your hopes up so they can break your heart. They're like all men."

"I love a great dance number, I love a great production number, but empty calories are empty calories. I need something more! Growing up, I saw shows like 'The Sound of Music' and 'Oliver.' As trite as they now seem, I was moved. I saw a story I cared about; I saw characters I cared about - it wasn't just about blowing you away for no reason except to blow you away."

"I started a poker game in 'Fiddler' - we used to play every Saturday in the lobby between shows. The really serious player on Broadway? Hank Azaria. He and the other people on 'The Simpsons' used to play for their paychecks."

"One of my favorite shows is 'America's Test Kitchen.' It's on PBS, and it's the Consumer Reports of cooking things. They don't take ads or commercial money. They take a food and cook it and cook it until they get it right. You have to follow their recipes to the letter, and you cannot go wrong."

"An iceberg wedge with chopped bacon and bleu-cheese dressing - that's like no-carb heaven! Iceberg lettuce has water and roughage. It's nature's broom."

"I make quilts - bed quilts, not artsy-fartsy quilts. When my nephews went to college, I made them denim quilts backed up with poly-fleece. A quilt isn't like a painting; you don't know where to hang them. You can always use a quilt."