PHOTOGRAPHED  IN APARTMENT JANUARY  2012

Though
it is not usually my frame of mind I am very down on myself for
something I did yesterday. I am mad at myself for going against my
instincts and yet, at the same time, I am questioning what I did because
it involved trusting another person. I have always trusted people,
including strangers, until they showed they weren't trustworthy. I know
it is not a smart thing to do but over my 76 years I have had more
positive results doing that than negative and I have very seldom
regretted trusting another human being.

I
am not going to go into the details--they aren't important--but I find
myself questioning myself as to my decision(s). Lately I have been
asking myself am I getting smarter or more fearful as I get older. Most
of my life I have been impulsive/compulsive never thinking twice before I
did something, jumping in with both feet and going for it. Now I don't. I find myself looking at deciding
to do something from all angles, whether it is 'right' or 'wrong', worth the risk or not, would I be willing to pay the consequences and what
can the consequences can be. I have never been afraid to go somewhere
and/or do something by myself or experiment with something new. A, maybe, far out example, would be parachuting out of a
plane, something I have never done and 20 years ago would never have
thought twice about doing it while today a 'fear' might enter the
picture. I am not talking about a fear of failure, though I certainly
wouldn't want to fail jumping out of a plane but a fear of what could happen.

Now
this I know a lot of you will laugh at but ever since I saw "War Horse"
I have wanted to ride a horse. Folks I was raised in New York City, the
Bronx, so what did I know about horses as a kid?? Okay, back in the Ice
Age, no pun intended, when I was a kid the ice man would come around
delivering ice with his horse and wagon or I might see some horses in
the movies but I never had a reason and/or a need to ride, let alone be
near, a horse. Though at a point I got involved with 'the rich set' it
wasn't 'the polo horse set'. Now as a grown (old) man I ask myself
whether I dare try to ride a horse as a fall or accident could bring
severe consequences. Yet as I think of that and have these ugly pictures
in my head and laugh at myself for being so childish--or am I? Am I
being smart? Fearful? Dumb? I don't know.

Getting
back to the trust issue--I hate to be questioning whether I should
trust people or not because I truly believe that there is good in
everyone, (look at the circumstances Anne Frank was under when she came
to that conclusion) especially if they are treated right, with respect,
offers of help and friendship. I did all that and it came back in my
face with deceit, disrespect and certainly not right. Materially, lack
of any other word, the loss can be replaced but the questioning it put
it in my mind has upset me, made me feel 'down', stopped me from
interacting with other people today and that is a 'power' I don't want
to give to anyone.

I
refuse to see myself as stupid for trusting other people but I do see
myself as stupid for not going with my instincts which have always been
good. The bottom line? Whatever/however I feel tomorrow I know I will
spend all this evening getting back to being the positive, happy,
caring, loving human being I am.

Mmmmm--now
if someone would get me some horse riding instructions for my
birthday--will have to put that on the list--I just might do it!!!

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"What was once thought

can never be unthought."

Friedrich Durrenmatt  1921--1990  Swiss Writer

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