PUNS - FOR THOSE WHO
ENJOY LANGUAGE
(OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF)
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always
b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A
Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun
wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory,
but it folded.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows
are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea
captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A
successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an
arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense
of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in
color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes
you well-red.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of
speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
When two egotists
meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is
two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead
giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote
counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is
poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get
repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a
dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a
flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The
man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade
thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You
feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song
because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are
numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint
mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a
photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortuneteller who
escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one
shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge
are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know
basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a
jab well done.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke
it off.
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I think my photographic memory might have been undeveloped!
