The word has gotten around that I have open heart surgery coming up and it seems that half the men living here have had the operation and have all sorts of advice to offer: "get Dr. Gill, he is the best", "get a second opinion", "you'll be back on your feet in a couple of weeks", "took me 6 months to recover", etc., and, of course, EVERYONE wants to show me their scar!! LOL

All have offered to be there for me if/when I need them and they all agree I will bounce back on my feet very quickly. Damn! I can't even have a 'pity party' or act the 'drama queen'--they have been there, done that!!



Assuming I ever get to talk to a doctor I have started a list of questions that, hopefully, will be answered.

Having always been a pleasure oriented person I am questioning whether I still want to go through with the operation. Don't get me wrong--I will--but why? I have a good life and certainly have a few good years ahead of me but for what purpose? I'm not a Matt or AJ or Dale or Chris with a long future to do things or wanting to accomplish anything in particular.

Instead of getting a new sofa bed in case someone has to stay over why shouldn't I go out to the theatre? I have about $3,000 in available credit on my credit cards so why don't I go out and buy that big wall hi-def TV and enjoy it in the time I have left? (And then leave it to Buggs!)

I have that money put aside to go see "A Chorus Line" when the touring company comes here in February--why don't I spend the money on something immediate that I can use now? Of course the question is what can I use now?

I have a low tolerance for pain nor do I want to experience it so why am I going through this whole procedure? If I don't I know my life will be shortened but then who knows how much longer I have anyway, who does?

If I die on the operating table--yes, I know there is only a 1-4% that will happen--what is there I have wanted to do that I haven't done and if all goes well what will I do that I haven't done and have wanted to do? Yes, I want to go to New Zealand again but that won't happen.

I really don't see my life changing much in the few years that I may have left which isn't a bad thing as I have said many times I am leading a good life but if it does end what am I missing?

It's hard work to be positive 24/7 and have that bright outlook that I have had for the past 25+ years and I don't want to give up either but I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights which is very rare for me. I don't know if it is facing the fact of my mortality, which could be right around the corner, or just a vivid imagination working over time.

I guess it is time to sit down and make out that list of why I am not ready to die yet and the things I have to look forward to!