The mind, at least mine, constantly amazes me how it can rationalize the irrational. Knowing I am facing open heart surgery the last thing in the world I need to do is fill my body with 'junk' food, food high in saturated fats, sodium, cholesterol and such but then, I thought, there is a 4-5% chance I could die on the operating table so why should I deprive myself?

I went on a binge last evening knowing that the smart thing to do would be to lose as much weight as I could between now and June 9th. Was I sabotaging myself? Was I rebelling? Just what the hell was I doing? I am far from being dumb, I know the affects of food on my body and I know I prefer myself thin than being fat. Was I feeling sorry for myself? I know from experience, having gone through congestive heart failure over the 1999-2000 New Year's weekend, that taking in a lot of sodium and drinking a lot of fluids can be a disaster. Was I trying to kill myself the fast. and what I see as the easy, way?



Whatever the reason within a two hour period I consumed the following last night:

1 box of 16 Dove miniature milk chocolate bites

1 box of 16 Dove miniature dark chocolate bites

1 box of Taco Bell cheesy double decker taco dinner including 6 flour tortillas, nacho cheese sauce, 6 hard taco shells and tack seasoning to which I added 1 pound of chopped beef and a half pound of grated cheddar cheese

1 24 ounce of sour pickles

1 32 ounce jar of sauerkraut

2 turkey cheese burgers on thin (!!!) sliced bread

and a few other 'snacks' like pretzels.

What was I thinking? Was I thinking? How the hell was this going to logically help me make decisions regarding my health, the operation and what was ahead?

Adding insult to injury I was, also, smoking more. I had smoked 2-3 packs a day for over 50 years until 2000 when I had CHF and cut back to no more than 16-18 cigarettes a day. Since Tuesday, when I received the news about the aorta valve surgery, I have been smoking a pack to a pack and a half of cigarettes a day.

Enough is enough!!! When I woke up today I had a real heart,
lay the cards on the table, talk with myself and said enough of this nonsense. No matter what decision I make about the surgery I had to get control of myself and my thinking. From this moment on it is less than 2,000 calories a day and less than a pack of cigarettes a day.

To paraphrase from "Cabaret", "when I go I am going thinner!"