There
are many reasons a gay person stays in the closet but the biggest seems
to be fear--fear of rejection and/or physical harm. A gay teenager has
many legitimate fears that would keep him in the closet and some of
those fears extend into being a young adult or even older. I have spoken
before of a woman who lives here at Gateway and at the age of 78 is
afraid to come out. Many older gays stay in the closet because they fear
how they will be treated in nursing homes, and even by their own
doctors, if it was known they are gay.

I
didn't have much of a problem when I came out in my teens as I spent
the minimum amount of time in school and I was busy investigating gay
life in NYC instead of being with 'peers'. Also it was because I didn't
'look gay'. I was masculine, butch, strong and showed myself as being
full of confidence. Young gays face rejection from within their family
because it puzzles and frightens parents and siblings. The following are
mainly from what I heard other gay guys say, experience, personally and
all the reading on the subject I have done over the years.

When
a child tells his mother he is gay there are, generally, one of the
following, or all following one after the other, reactions to the
announcement: "What else is new? I know." or "Oh my G-d! No
grandchildren!", "It's a phase you are going through." (An aside--after a
few years of knowing I was gay when I enlisted in the Marines my mother
actually said, "I told you it was a phase. The Marines wouldn't take
any homosexuals!" This was back in the 50s--and if she only knew that
the Marines had more gays than any other branch of service!) They will
ask, "What did I do wrong?" Or a mother will start crying and never
stop! From what I have heard, and seen, very few mothers will reject
their sons but many will ask for 'time'. Now with the Internet
they will do research, join P-FLAG----parents and families of lesbians
and gays--ask questions, talk to other people and most, not all, will
tell their sons to be careful because of AIDS, that they love them and
when/if their child finds a partner they will embrace him as their own
son. I am guessing here, really don't know, that mothers show more
unconditional love for their gay children than the fathers do.  And,
yes, the reality is that some mothers throw their children out of the
house for being gay or don't stop the fathers from doing it.

In
the case of fathers being told their sons are gay--and most sons will
tell their mothers NOT to tell their fathers--the reaction is a lot more
negative as a rule. They take it as a personal failure, that it is
their fault,it was something they did or didn't do. Their ego makes them
think, and in some cases even tell their son, "No son of mine is gay!"
They will even physically assault their child and most certainly will
verbally attack, unless the mother is there. A father will think it is
his sperm that created a gay son or a defect in their genes. Their son
being gay revolves around what the father thinks. They may, eventually,
come around but seldom would come so far as to welcome their son's gay
partner.

Now don't get me wrong as many fathers do accept and love their gay children unconditionally
but for whatever reason more find it hard to accept so easily. It is
usually the father--now remember we are talking about today not 50 years
ago--who will be behind sending his son to a psychiatrist, want to have
his son 'cured, will send him away to 'ex-gay ministries', will get his
son a prostitute to prove he isn't gay and/or throw him out of the
house and banish him from the family.

In many cases the parents are the last to be told, or are never told, by their sons that they are gay. The 'coming out' process can be a very long one for many guys in that they have to, yes have to, which is another blog, tell
their brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, peers, bosses and,
sometimes, acquaintances, each time facing rejection and/or fear of physical and/or verbal abuse, in some cases losing their life because they are gay.