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SHOULD BE READ BY ALL HOMOPHOBES AS THEY WILL CERTAINLY LEARN
SOMETHING--AND SHOULD BE ENJOYED BY ALL GAY PEOPLE FOR WHAT IT SAYS!)
To the straight guy at the party
last night:
A mutual
friend of ours threw a big party for
her 30th birthday, tons of people were there and it was a lot of fun.
Somewhere along the line you and I ended up on the balcony for some
fresh air at the same time. We started chatting; we talked about sports,
books, tv – discovered we both are about to start our masters degrees
and spent some time debating the pro’s and con’s of the educational
system. We talked about hanging out sometime, and you wanted to meet my
girlfriend.
I understand how upsetting it was for you when I blinked mildly in
surprise and said I was here with my husband. I know it was a shock to
your system, if your face had turned any paler I might have called 911.
You made a good recovery though - that hurried mutter of “I’m not like
that” was very polite and you only knocked over two drinks and one vase
in your hurry to rush to anywhere other than near me. I can’t blame you –
I forgot how delicate you straight boys are. So I wanted to give you a
few helpful hints about where you went wrong last night.
1) As a general rule we don’t walk around with big signs around our neck
proclaiming our sexuality. No scarlet letters, no scent of hellfire and
brimstone… sorry about that.
2) We do not generally assume that everyone within 5 feet of us must
also be homosexual – it was nice of you to immediately reassure me that
you are hetero, but it was really unnecessary.
3) Homosexuality is not infectious. While I am sure you meant no disrespect with your
hasty departure; in the future you can rest assured that taking a few
extra seconds in your mad dash for safety will not result in you being
turned gay. It will however keep you from destroying expensive vases and
knocking over senior citizens.
4) This next one may come as a surprise; but you are not, in fact,
irresistible. The fact that you have a dick does not instantly turn me
into a bundle of uncontrolled lust. Contrary to popular opinion, being
in the same room with a straight man does not cause a gay man to
instantly lose all common sense and basic common courtesy. Though I am
not so sure about the reverse.
5) Homosexuals in general get a little irked when people treat us like
some sort of leper. Rushing to another mutual friend of ours and
advising him of my sexuality, so he could be “forewarned” was really
uncalled for.
6) Upon being told (by said mutual friend) to stop being an idiot and
that you were not my type anyway… it generally confuses the issue when
you then proceed to become upset that I DON’T find you attractive. Three
seconds ago you were running through a crowd of people with your hands
cupped protectively over your junk as if I might attack you at any
moment with a blowjob. See hint number 4.
7) We homosexuals have an odd sense of humor – I can’t help that.
Something about watching you freak out as if all the demons of hell were
after you just struck me as vastly amusing.
8) While being pissed at me for dissolving into uncontrollable laughter
might be understandable… gathering a couple guys together to “teach the
fag a lesson” is not.
9) You might also want to drink a little less and be a little more
careful about the guys you approach for your little proto-hate-mob.
10) Assuming the two tall muscle-bound bruisers must be uber-hetero and
just as appalled by my presence as you was your first mistake. It was an
understandable one though. How were you to know that pflag tshirt the
first guy was wearing wasn’t a sports team? Also the rainbow ring the
second guy was wearing could have meant anything I am sure.
11) In retrospect I suppose that upon hearing your not very subtle
hate-talk and seeing who you were heading for; I could have said
something instead of just laughing harder. I apologize for that. I
should have just introduced you to my husband instead of letting you
walk up to him and ask him if he wanted to help you teach “that fag over
there” a lesson. I hope that broken nose heals up cleanly.
https://lansing.craigslist.org/rnr/1797870768.html
last night:
A mutual
friend of ours threw a big party for
her 30th birthday, tons of people were there and it was a lot of fun.
Somewhere along the line you and I ended up on the balcony for some
fresh air at the same time. We started chatting; we talked about sports,
books, tv – discovered we both are about to start our masters degrees
and spent some time debating the pro’s and con’s of the educational
system. We talked about hanging out sometime, and you wanted to meet my
girlfriend.
I understand how upsetting it was for you when I blinked mildly in
surprise and said I was here with my husband. I know it was a shock to
your system, if your face had turned any paler I might have called 911.
You made a good recovery though - that hurried mutter of “I’m not like
that” was very polite and you only knocked over two drinks and one vase
in your hurry to rush to anywhere other than near me. I can’t blame you –
I forgot how delicate you straight boys are. So I wanted to give you a
few helpful hints about where you went wrong last night.
1) As a general rule we don’t walk around with big signs around our neck
proclaiming our sexuality. No scarlet letters, no scent of hellfire and
brimstone… sorry about that.
2) We do not generally assume that everyone within 5 feet of us must
also be homosexual – it was nice of you to immediately reassure me that
you are hetero, but it was really unnecessary.
3) Homosexuality is not infectious. While I am sure you meant no disrespect with your
hasty departure; in the future you can rest assured that taking a few
extra seconds in your mad dash for safety will not result in you being
turned gay. It will however keep you from destroying expensive vases and
knocking over senior citizens.
4) This next one may come as a surprise; but you are not, in fact,
irresistible. The fact that you have a dick does not instantly turn me
into a bundle of uncontrolled lust. Contrary to popular opinion, being
in the same room with a straight man does not cause a gay man to
instantly lose all common sense and basic common courtesy. Though I am
not so sure about the reverse.
5) Homosexuals in general get a little irked when people treat us like
some sort of leper. Rushing to another mutual friend of ours and
advising him of my sexuality, so he could be “forewarned” was really
uncalled for.
6) Upon being told (by said mutual friend) to stop being an idiot and
that you were not my type anyway… it generally confuses the issue when
you then proceed to become upset that I DON’T find you attractive. Three
seconds ago you were running through a crowd of people with your hands
cupped protectively over your junk as if I might attack you at any
moment with a blowjob. See hint number 4.
7) We homosexuals have an odd sense of humor – I can’t help that.
Something about watching you freak out as if all the demons of hell were
after you just struck me as vastly amusing.
8) While being pissed at me for dissolving into uncontrollable laughter
might be understandable… gathering a couple guys together to “teach the
fag a lesson” is not.
9) You might also want to drink a little less and be a little more
careful about the guys you approach for your little proto-hate-mob.
10) Assuming the two tall muscle-bound bruisers must be uber-hetero and
just as appalled by my presence as you was your first mistake. It was an
understandable one though. How were you to know that pflag tshirt the
first guy was wearing wasn’t a sports team? Also the rainbow ring the
second guy was wearing could have meant anything I am sure.
11) In retrospect I suppose that upon hearing your not very subtle
hate-talk and seeing who you were heading for; I could have said
something instead of just laughing harder. I apologize for that. I
should have just introduced you to my husband instead of letting you
walk up to him and ask him if he wanted to help you teach “that fag over
there” a lesson. I hope that broken nose heals up cleanly.
https://lansing.craigslist.org/rnr/1797870768.html
