Oh my am I troubled! In every sense of the word. In every definition. I am troubled and I don't know how to stop it! Good old webster has done it again. A) The quality or state of being troubled esp mentally. That is me all right! B) I am in a state of difficulty (distress) C) a condition of doing something badly (in my case being a bad wife). I am so screwed up and I don't even know where to start to fix it all. If it is even fixable. I don't know. There are so many things that drive me nuts about myself. Top 5 things I would like to improve on are as follows:

1) Not needing a man- I hate that I want a man to want me. It is pathetic and I feel desperate but the reality is, I want to be desired. I want a man to want to be with me so badly that it doesn't seem to matter who it is. Pathetic... if it didn't feel like my husband or D'man, it is wanting it from strange men that I meet. I seek out single men with the hope that they might want me. I honestly think it wouldn't matter who it was. I did that in college too. I would meet men and sleep with them with the hopes that they would love me! What in the hell? I want to not feel that way. I want to not care if I am desired by a man. I want to not bend over backwards to be desired by a man. I want to respect myself enough not to need one.

2) Lazy- I wish I were more productive in my organization. I try so hard to keep up on my house and minutes later it falls apart again. I will do really well for a day or 2 and then it falls apart. I then beat myself up because I failed at something as simple as keeping a house clean. ARGH!

3) Self esteem- I want to like me and not feel like I don't deserve good things. I want to stand up for myself and set boundaries for myself and not move the line. I want to know that I am good enough to deserve only the best. Where do you get that and how is it some people already know it while other's struggle to accept it? I just know I take 1 step forward and 10 back. I was working on liking me again and then I met some guy that liked me. It is way too soon and I am not ready to be liked. I don't feel I deserve to be liked. In my head and heart, I cheated on my husband, betrayed friendships, chose to spend time with a man rather than my dieing father in law and husband. I took a trip to the Bahamas while my husband had to deal with the death of his Dad. I am overweight and I am divorcing. These are not things I am proud of so finding self worth is difficult. How do you get it?

4) Not being a patsy... I am tired of being manipulated and victimized. I'm such a sucker. I want to please people so badly I am willing to do anything. There is a difference between being nice and generous and being manipulated and taken advantage of. Where do you find the strength and knowledge to know when you are being nice and when you are being taken advantage of... before it has already happened. I am nice, I can't change that nor do I want to. I just want a balance between being nice because I want to rather than the inablity to say No!

5) Knowing me- I know many things about myself, but there are many things I don't know as well. Maybe it is all connected and once I learn not to change myself to be liked by others it will all come together. I am learning... I do know that I am getting stronger about know what I do and don't like. Now if I could just be willing to share that with others. I am so terrified that someone will not like me or be mad at me that I won't share things. If someone doesn't call me back I immediately panic and think I have done something wrong. If I knew myself better, it wouldn't matter what other's thought of me. Right? I don't know. I really know nothing except that I am troubled by all the work I need to do to either change these things or accept them and get a better attitude about them. Any miracles you could send my way would be great!