Maybe it's the weather, maybe that time of the month, maybe it's the fact that I have a really boring job and my marriage is really ending. So many factors and it has really gotten to me today. I am trying hard not to succumb to it and so far I'm able to pull myself out. I guess it started with the phone call from my attorney. Today was the day of my resolution hearing. I didn't have to be there but my attorney called to let me know that our final resolution hearing is November 6th. I can't get over how long it is until then. He explained that it is far out because we need time to go through mediation and arbitration if necessary. I just can't believe that it is really over. I guess I just kept thinking we might still have that miracle. I told my soon to be ex the date and he was miffed that it was so far out. I guess I am the only one not in any hurry to end it. It just feels so icky. The state of ambivalence is so comfortable. It is just hard to think that we won't be married anymore. I see him and he makes me smile, I enjoy the sound of his voice and I miss him so much. Is that a normal feeling for people that are getting a divorce? I know it happens where one person doesn't want it. I guess this is how it feels for them. It sucks... that is all I know. I don't know, I'm just feeling gloomy today. Yesterday I was P.Off and today I'm gloomy and sad. There goes that roller coaster again. Let me off. I'm actually finding that self talk is helping. My counselor recommended it and I am practicing it quite a bit. People are going to think I am insane. I am constantly telling myself to STOP (outloud) when my mind starts to wonder to things that can not be, negative thoughts that should not be. I am getting so much better. My daily inspiration talked of believing in yourself in order to have others believe the same. It suggested writing a list of positive contributions you have made in the world, the positive attributes you have and achievements. I think I will. I seem to get lost in the last year of my life and have gotten stuck. Tomorrow is a new day... actually every moment is a new moment and today I have just had to work harder to keep myself out of the gloomys! I slipped a few times but all in all I did alright. This weekend will be really tough. The kids will be with their Dad and I won't see them after Friday morning and won't get to see them again until Monday afternoon sometime. I will stay busy or at least try to!