I have purposely checked out for awhile. Another surge of uncertainty has come over me again and I didn't know what to do or even what to write about. I have just spent some time internalizing and have discovered nothing new. No surprise there. My husband came over a few days ago to discuss our marriage I guess. I don't really know. I know he is confused and doesn't know if divorce is the answer either but he also knows that I pushed him to the decision by continuing contact with D'man. I don't blame him. I may have done the same thing... I don't know. NO one does until they are faced with it. We didn't get any closer to any answers but I cried a lot. It isn't helping though. Nothing is. I am still having difficulties moving forward. I try and then I am reminded. My husband did it this time when he told me that if the kids ask him why we are getting a divorce it is because of my affair. I lost it. I don't know how our kids knowing that I did that will ever be in their best interest. I know he is angry but now I am sick to my stomach thinking that he may tell them at any moment. Now I'm faced with thinking that they may find out. He then said he would just send them to me so he could see what "lie I might come up with." It hurt but he was right. From his experience that is what I have done to him. Lie! I am and will continue to work on it and I doubt he will ever understand that I lied because I was embarrassed about my actions. I realized that my Dad does it too. It is almost humorous. My Dad smokes and will lie about it. We can smell it, see the pack in his pocket, and see his stash of butts but he will deny it. I now can understand why. Too weird. I told him that it may be his reason but it isn't mine and that I would never tell our children that we got a divorce because he was an ass to me for so many years and emotionally inept. Reasons won't help, it is what it is, a failed marriage. But now I struggle with whether to tell or not to tell. I don't have any answers and don't know when I will. I also found out he has been reading my blogs on mybloggers. I really struggled with it but it is a public blog and maybe he can find answers through the ramblings of my mind.


Life is going on and it is getting better just like many of you said. The bad days are less and less and farther between. I am moving forward with making choices and knowing I don't have to apologize for them and I am proud to say I am making responsible ones that are for my benefit not detriment. I am being honest, a good friend, loving daughter, involved Mom and I am being good to me. I am doing things that I enjoy, walking a lot, making friends with my co workers and working hard to maintain the ones I already have and eliminating ones that are not healthy for me. I am feeling better. I do miss my husband, our life and the idea of till death do us part but I will be ok. One day at a time, I WILL BE OK.