I had one of those days, weekends.. or should I say one of those years. The year aside, I will start with the weekend. the weekend started with a snowball and has since turned into an avalanche. The weekend was very difficult for me. The kids were gone and I spent the time with my friend Tina and Ginger. Tina and I went to a bar in town and listened to a bunch of drunks singing karaoke. Some are amazing singers and others... well, if they only knew how bad they sounded they would be embarrassed. This bar scene is already old but I hate being at home. Everything here reminds me of what I don't have... what I gave up. I'm such a fool. I still had a glimmer of hope my husband would come home but he really is done with me and I have to move on. The bar scene just makes me miss him more. I don't like to be home alone without him because it makes me miss him and now going to a bar makes me miss him too. What now? The men at the bars are so pathetic, vulgar, stupid, and bold. And what I would have at one time considered an ego boost when a guy at a bar would pay attention to me, I now find repulsive. Between having a 21 year old proposition me for sex on the Internet to a man slapping my butt at the bar, I have about had it with men. The only good thing is I'm slowly but surely realizing what I "don't" want from men. I just don't know if what I want exists. Anyway, after having a good laugh and needing to buy earplugs I went home to an empty house and bed and I don't like it at all. Saturday I spent the day with my friend Shyla. This was a difficult day. There is nothing worse than being surrounded by kids and not having mine there. I was so happy to be included but watching my village of kids play without mine being there hurt so badly. I wondered what mine were doing, I wondered if they were having fun and what they were doing. I missed having them with me. My daughter and I have something in common. We both miss us being together as a family. That is so hard to hear. I hate that I have done this to her, to us. I did survive the day but it wasn't without scarring. The path I am on right now is not fulfilling and I'm not happy. I am empty, void of a path. I am being patient but I don't know how much longer I can be. I did get the house cleaned and laundry caught up. I was ready for the week. Yahoo and best of all.. I figured out how to operate the weed eater and then it ran out of gas. Figures. Unfortunately I have to ask my ex what mixture to put in it. I feel stupid asking him things. I feel like I'm being judged. I know that sounds silly but it is his tone or something. The other day I called him to ask if he had the number for our mediator because I didn't have it with me and I wanted to call on my lunch break. He gave me the number but not before commenting about the fact that I should already have the number and he thought I would have taken care of that already. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, it's just the way I took it. How do you change the way you are when you are with someone. It is so strange the patterns we fall into when we are together. I don't get it. Off to bed for me. I had my friend Tina's kids stay over so she could go to her interview in Washing tomorrow so I now have 5 kids plus myself to get ready in the morning and get to work on time. I need all the sleep I can get.