Is it possible to be comfortably awkward? I know it's an oxymoron but that is how I felt. My husband and I have friends that are here visitng from North Carolina. We haven't seen them in 7 years. We of course wanted to see them and since time is limited for them we were both invited to a bbq at their families home to welcome them back. I wanted to see them so I decided to go. It was so difficult to watch him play with the kids but comfortable too. It was like nothing was wrong yet it is. It was so weird leaving the bbq at the same time but not getting in the car together. The opportunity to visit with them was very limited since Aaron needed to go to birthday celebrations and I didn't want to stay because the remainder of the people that came was family. Since we didn't get enough time together I (silly me) proposed we do a bbq at the house after basketball if Aaron was ok with it. He agreed to stay a little while so the bbq was a go. I made a cole slaw and provided baked beans and chips while Aaron brought chicken and watermelon. Just like old times.. he cooked on the grill outside while I prepared stuff inside. It was so natural to see him outside in the back yard yet so awkward too. He pulled weeds like he used to, trimmed trees. It was as if nothing was wrong... as if we were normal. It was like old times watching the guys play basketball while Heather and I talked and the kids played. Just like 7 years ago... but it wasn't. It isn't at all the same. How can things be so comfortable yet not be at the same time. It is too weird to have things so comfortable with a man that I will no longer be married to within the year.

I think he is questioning his decision to divorce again. Divorce is a difficult decision to make, even under the worst conditions so I understand the wavering he and I both go through. We both do it. I have asked him to reconcile and his answer is "no." I don't blame him. I crossed the boundary he made and I knew about it. He is right to uphold his moral code of ethics. I wouldn't want him to compromise that... after all, that is one of the qualities I love about him. Things seem so comfortable together like we could just pick up where we left off before my affair. Unfortunately that will not change anything. We have both changed so much but I am still me and he is still the same as well. We still don't know how to communicate well, his Mom still would hate me, and he still would not trust me. I know we have changed a lot... I am stronger and he is more communicative and affectionate and caring with the kids. I'm afraid though that we haven't been apart long enough not to fall back into our bad habits. The time is ticking... the divorce is going forward and yet I don't feel done but nothing has changed. BLAH... my head is spinning again so onto a new topic.