Friday night... I had a great time. I came home from work, kicked off my shoes, cranked up the tunes and cleaned my house. It felt so good to be alone and comfortable doing it.. even though it was only for 2 hours. That isn't a lot of time but it is improvement. Yay me! My friend Tina dropped by with clothes for my little man and after talking we decided to hang out for a while. We ended up... guess what... going to a bar. Surprise surprise... except this time it was different. This time I wasn't enjoying the attention... I was appalled. I had some guy ask to kiss me and I laughed at him and said no with disgust. I had another guy want my phone # and again I laughed and said "no". The thought of giving someone I meet at a bar my # was ridiculous and the thought that I could even go there with the mess of my marriage was even more scary. I need to heal. I need to stand on my own two feet, I need to grow and discover who I am. Relationships at this juncture really would complicate things and more than likely be a rebound relationship that would only hurt myself or them. I am so glad I can see that now. I am learning to respect myself and I'm learning to stand up for myself. I'm actually telling my daughter she doesn't have the right at the age of 10 to treat me like a child. I am realizing that being alone isn't all that bad. (in small time allotments of course) The guilt of what I did is slowly easing. I doubt it will ever be gone but I am sorry for what I did and do know I will never do it again. I am rereading my boundaries book and praying more. Despite what my husband thinks. We had another discussion about why I blog. He really doesn't get it and I can't explain it. I just need to dump my feelings and emotions. I know I don't know any of you and that you only know my half of the story. I know that the advice people give is only that... advice. But I need to feel not alone and you all are so helpful to me. I explained to him that I can't talk to my friends about it. They were hurt and betrayed and have enough to cope with. My emotions are up and down to such extremes. Here if you guys can't handle it... you don't read it. If you don't have time... you don't have to read it. I don't feel like I'm intruding on anyone if I have an emotional melt down at 2 in the morning. He went on to tell me that I should use paper and I should be reading and I should be praying. Like he does or doesn't know what I do. I should have been angry, I could have gone off on my husband. Guess what? I didn't. What he said had truth to it and I didn't feel the need to tell him what I am doing to better myself. I realized how I choose to heal from this blow is mine. No one can tell me what will work for me. Only I can know that. It felt great not to be offended (for long anyway) that he was telling me what I should or shouldn't do. These things are improvements and I will take them one moment at a time and celebrate each one however small.