Things have been going pretty well in my hospital program. I am learning and learning to use coping skills to work on my depression and anxiety certain attitudes and behaviors I need to change. I've had my meds changed. I've only been on them 6 days and it says it could be 3 weeks before I see the full effects.

Either way, no matter what the cause...this has been a very bad weekend. I did a horrible job using my coping skills. I was more depressed and anxious than I've been since I started the program three weeks ago. It was my weekend with my son and I can't tell you how much this was a direct correlation to my relapse this weekend.

It's really official. I can't deny it any longer and I don't know if I can count on it getting better. And unfortunately I'm sure this hugely effects the relationship I have with my son. He does not like my boyfriend. It gets worse every week and time he's over instead of better. (Although there are some times when it seems he comes over and is completely a different kid- polite, respectful etc.) My son thinks my bf is a "know it all" and "yells at him" and "is mean". My bf only says the bare minimum to him and tries to avoid any sort of conflict and ultimately...me getting mad!

I can ...and probably will go into that whole situation/ relationship deeper but before I go on, I need to say: My daughter, who lives with us, absolutely loves my bf and I think honestly she would be just as upset as I did if we broke up.

Do I think if my bf moved out, my son would come live with me? NO

Do I think that my relationship with my son would improve? MAYBE

Do I think I would be happier? NO

Do I think my daughter would be happier? NO

Do I think my son would be happier? MAYBE BUT HE'S ALREADY PRETTY HAPPY...AS LONG AS HE'S WITH HIS DAD AND NOT ME

Do I feel guilty and feel like I'm choosing a bf over my son? KINDA

Is this rational? IDK

What the heck do I do? IDK but I can't wait to go back to the hospital on Wednesday. It is a long weekend away for me because of the holiday and my MWF schedule. And if it were like last weekend, I would be okay. But Friday night was bad, yesterday was horrible! I dropped my kids off in desperation at my dad's about 11 a.m., went back to my bed where I ruminated and cried. I never got up, ate, or got a drink until 6 p.m. And I certainly didn't go to my sister's big cook out I was invited to.

Bad, bad, bad

And today...more of the same....

I got out, but didn't want to be there.

I felt sick and naseaus and dizzy. Might be side effect of meds or just the deep, deep depression that hit me like a brick yesterday.