Seems lately a lot of people are asking me if I'm OK and I don't really know how to answer them. I'm not o.k. but it's not fatal either...therefore I'll be o.k. eventually (or at least that's the hope). And I suppose maybe they mean "Is there something I can do?" And there really isn't...so usually I just say "Yeah, I'm o.k.".

But between you and I...I'm sooooo NOT o.k.

It's NOT o.k. that:

1. This week I took the day off to take my son to the DR. to have his ADD meds increased, because his father had his old prescription filled after being told three weeks ago that this dosage was no longer working. Then even after me bringing it to the pharmacy for him Thursday afternoon, he didn't pick it up and be sure to give it to him Friday morning before school or coming to my house this weekend.

2. Friday night the ex stops by with his new pills for the weekend and complained to my son that he needed bug spray if he was going to be outside. Then he called me and yelled at me for letting Kev "ruin" (get dirty) the clothes he was wearing. Let me first say we've never been the type to make the kids change their clothes after school and he knows how hard Kev plays. He started throwing numbers in my face about how much he spends on Kev's clothes and was being just plain old ridiculous! And you can bet that I made sure every frickin' mark came out of that tshirt and shorts as I sent them folded neatly in a bag back to his father's house.

3. My son still continues to treat me like I'm nothing to him. At one point this weekend when I was telling him how it hurts when he talks to me the way he does, I mentioned that I'm always there for him when he needs/wants me. He said that he "never wants me". And it's pretty much true I guess...he never calls and hates when he's here pretty much (no matter what I do to try to entertain him).

4. I have a cousin who has always been the town gossip... who also hasn't talked to me since last February over something ridiculous that I've already apologized for. Well it really made my already great weekend when my grandmother told me that he had called her looking for the scoop. And she told him! I can't believe she couldn't just tell him "Call her if you want to know!". So now I guess I instigated a fight with my grandmother by expressing my displeasure with this whole situation. It really sucks to have anyone enjoying your pain and failure, but when it's relatives...it just seems to sting even more.

5.I have to continue teaching till the end of the year after basically being fired (forced to resign). I know that I'm the talk of the school and nobody is really asking me questions. Therefore it's a big "talk behind my back fest" there too! I have no motivation to go every day.

6.Everything is annoying to me!! And everyone is annoying to me! I want to be alone. I want silence. I feel alone, because nobody does or can understand what I'm going through and feeling right now. But I'm not alone and there are constant reminders of screechy, whiny voices all around me!Let me correct that! I want to be free of kids and free from the people I have to encounter at work! That's who I want to be free from right now.

7. It's sunny and warm and I have no desire to go outside.

8. I have a headache and my anxiety is making my heart beat like a drum.

9. I'm on the verge of exploding and probably losing the very little "good" I have left in my life.