As I scan through the endless amount of channels I have on cable TV. I notice that most of it's filled with commercials. Here are some of the few that just stick in my head.

International House of Pancakes. You know as soon as you walk into the place you get that distinct worldwide feel. I was baffled by the complex international menu. So I just had the Flapjack Du Jour, You know my syrup steward helped me with the selection. I chose a very dry maple; it was busy but never precocious. I find it hard to believe that these places consider themselves international. You think if you are traveling through the French Alps that you are going to stop at this shit hole? You just have a stern French Captain lean in on our table, "Monsieur, is that the sausage link or patty?" "Oh what the hell, I feel Ji-Ji, I'll say link. For the first time in my life damn it I'm alive."



Have you see these beer commercials; you have these four brain dead hicks sitting in the Everglades, it's like 3:30 in the morning, munching on some platypus burgers, sucking on a warm six pack, the one guy pipes up, "You know, it don't get any better than this." "No, well why don't you put that 22 in my mouth and pull the trigger, Professor Positive. Because I don't find this Tundra that mondo jovial."



I see more and more advertising for foreign movies nowadays; I went to see Kung Fu Hustle at the theater it was Subtitled, I can't tell you much about it, the kid next to me was Dyslexic, we were slamming heads through out the flick.



How about these Snickers Commercials, like they treat Snickers like it's the ultimate food source. Like you could subsist on this crap. Try eating nothing but Snickers for a week, your going to look like the Singer Seal. They always have this young kid with this convoluted story from the forth dimension. "You know, I work at a sporting good store, and let me tell you-some-time-around-lunch-time-we-get-so-darn-busy-I-don't-have-time-to-put-any-food-in-my-body-this-is-what-happened-the-other-day-were-having-our-midwinter-ski-sale-it's-around-2:30-in-the-afternoon-I'm-running-on-empty-I-have-nothing-in-me-no-complex-carbs-no-fruitose-noda-I'm-waiting-on-this-young-women-over-here-right-in-the-middle-of-the-transaction-I-don't-know-what-in-the-heck-happens-to-me-I-get-all-kooky-zany-wired-I-think-it-was-a-sugar-inbalance-I-wake-up-she's-got-a-ski-pole-stuck-in-her-head-I-must-have-killed-her-I-wish-I-had-a-Snickers-bar." Slow down kid its candy, not Soylent Green.



I saw a commerical the other day on a dinner train from Seattle to Canada.

I hate trains, never trusted trains, even as a young girl, I was skeptical when old movies, they would have some one on the train half way through the journey they'd reach up above the window…and yank down on that cord. You know I don't think I want to be on any form of mass transportation where the general public has access to the fucking brakes. I hate to find out that we went off the tracks at 200 miles per hour because Gus thought he saw a woodchuck.



I see they still advertise the Publisher Clearing House Sweepstakes. You know if I ever do win this prize I don't think quite frankly that I'm going to show up to collect it, because it become a public admission that you opened that fucking envelope in the first place. I'm just not sure I want to be lump in with the rest of these winners. Hay you seen a group picture of these people? You talk about Darwin's Waiting Room. You thought there were a lot of Zeros in the prize.



I saw a commerical for Walmart. I think when I say Walmart we are all hip to the fact that I'm talking about style central. Picked up a couple short sleeve pant suits and a Century 21 blazer for the holiday. Cheap clothing stores always have this two for one sale. Hey folks two of shit, is shit. If they really wanted to screw you they would give you three of those things. That's all you need is three lime green leisure suits with lapels shaped like a fucking hand-glider. Yeah through in that baroque dickey too, what the hell. I'm feeling very wild tonight.



Hanes does commericals for socks. Are there people out there who have no idea what socks are? You ever get a hole at the end of your sock, you want to wear the sock anyways, so you put the sock on, take it, elongate it, bring it underneath, wedge it into the toe groove, put your foot into the shoe, release. You have a whole new sock. American Ingenuity in its purest state. This is why socks come is sizes 7-12 so one can make this Doppler modification.



I saw a commercial for the Double Gulp. Now do I need 64 ounces of any fluid? This drink has a fucking under tow. What do you dock your jet ski in this thing? Who the fuck do they think is that thirsty? I guess this is for the guy who walks directly off the sun into a fucking 7-11. Hey I'm a little parched Tabbe, What do you have in a Depth Charge size drink?



One of my all time favorite commercials has to be when they show ads for the Olympics. I love female gymnastics. Especially the women's uneven parallel bar event I think I'm going to be a little skeptical the next time a women says I'm a little rough with her in bed. I'm watching these girls bang their cervix off a frozen theater rope at 80 miles an hour. You don't see any men in that event; this is one medal the men would have to pick up in the ER because the little gerbils are not built for that stunt. If I ever hit anything that hard with my crotch I'm going to spot weld to it. Then again maybe that's me I'm a different breed of cat.



Now there all these feminine hygiene ads, they're some pretty fertile women running around out there. These girls have more periods than a Hemingway Novel. There time of the month is the month. Copernicus used these chicks to set up the lunar cycle.

You know men feel left out of the whole gynecological process, this probably why men like shoe shines so much, this is the closest they come to gynecology, they get to put their feet up in those little fake feet. Which brings to mind the question should women tip there gynecologist? "Hey that looks great Doc; here get yourself a little something." He then gives it that one last smack with the buffing rag.



Have you seen these bed commercials on TV, How many of you guys actual thought about buying a Craftmatic-Adjustable-bed just to see if you could blow yourself? You know you get that "V" going and its decision time. You suck your own dick you made a commitment. There's no forgetting that tomorrow morning. "Hey wait a minute… did I blow myself last night…what the hell was I thinking…I wasn't wearing a rubber…I gotta lay off the Orange Juice and Absolute."