I am sitting here at 1:47 AM wondering what I should write. I have one those low down feelings that comes across me every now and again, even though I just won $35 playing $.10/.25 Hold 'Em. I love making a profit!

There are many people who think I have a great life. I have been questioning it a lot lately. I am considering that maybe I would be happier if I were not me. By me, I mean the type of person I am. Maybe I should have settled down. My birthday is approaching and it may be making me melancholy. M is getting older and with each passing day I am coming closer to the day I have to explain who I am and the things I have done in my life. And these thoughts give me pause.

I think sometimes I try to do so much good to make up for all of the bad. Karma is a bitch and she has no sense of humor.

I have been thinking a lot about my dad recently. I wonder if he misses me at all? I wonder if he ever thinks about his granddaughter. I wonder if he is happy with his new family since his old family turned out to be such a disappointment to him and such a burden to him when he was young.

You know, I follow politics. I have conspiracy theories that are off the charts. I know what is going on in the world. But for the most part, I don't really care. Until it affects me directly, it doesn't matter.

Amy and I had a discussion about sin earlier. It was quite interesting. For someone of a Southern Baptist upbringing, she has an intellectual curiosity to things spiritual. We have a tendency to chat via IM late into the night, or early morning depending on how you look at it.I enjoy talking with her more than just about anyone in the world. Probably more than anyone if I was truly honest.

I am tired of going to bed alone. I am tired of waking up alone. It all makes me think of dying alone. The problem is, I have a wandering eye (and other part!). I don't know how I could be with just one person. It seems boring and repetitive. I have never been one that did anything easy or just because it was the safe thing to do. However, now I am thinking it maybe the time do something easy and safe. Well, not really easy.

Maybe I will just buy a dog. Lily and Leo are very cute. Amy has some new pics to post that are very cute. Bug her until she posts them. Maybe I'll buy two. I will call them Jake and Elwood.

Maybe I'll just sip some 30 year old Single Malt and smoke a cigar.

maybe I'll just go to bed. Things often look better in the light of day. If only I could sleep without dreaming.

Peace